You Were Right All This Time

There he was, my Seth, laying in bed. With another girl. Naked. He was laying in bed naked with another girl. He immidiatly started lieing and saying bull shit. The girl quickly got dressed and left. I started yelling at Seth. And I don't do that. Yell at people. Unless I'm super pissed. After a while of me yelling at him telling him he's lieing, he finally broke. He said he was sorry and that it meant nothing. Ha ha. Yea right. He later told me that him and Blondie with blue eyes and big tits used to date. They were together for 3 years. They only broke up because she had to move away. A month later he met me and never mentioned that he was heart broken. I started crying. The first time since I found out about my mom. He tried to comfert me but I screamed at him not to touch me and stormed off.

I thought about it. How Seth never really treated me the same when his friends were around. He was a little more cocky and didn't look at me the same. I asked him about it one day and he simply said "I don't want them making fun of me for being soft" so I went along with it. I know how he feels with not wanting to look soft.. He was always super sweet every other time though. He always told me I looked pretty and held doors open and waited for me before going ahead.

I'm sorry Blair I could ever put a guy between us. I'm sorry I didn't believe you. I'm sorry I was a complete bitch. You know how sorry I am by now. But I'm sorry I had to be a bitch and then make you stay up with me while I cried and said sorry over and over.

I always thought I was the smart one. The tough one who wouldn't cry over a boy. The one who would know when she was being treated wrong and leave. Uhg. I'm tired of learning life the hard way.

Now I'm with Blair in Detroit. I'll tell you more later. Sorry.

Carson

Friday morning blood stains

So, I've desided that I need a good fight. Also, no one beat Sean's ass down for hurting my little Brookie Cookie. I got up nice and early for the school day even though I haven't woken up at 6:00 in FOREVER. I got dressed and pulled my hair back into a ponytail. I grabbed a peice of toast and started on my walk to the school. I made sure to pass the school and get a few blocks closer to the Socs side so no principal douche would stop me. He was walking alone, with his head down listening to an iPod or something. I grinned to myself.
When he got closer I said "hey". He looked up, all puzzled to see me smiling at him. Awwww, little rich boy is confused. Cute.
He took out his headphones and was about to say something but I slugged him a good one in the face. Hey, I may be incredibly short, but I can manage reaching up high enough to knock this kid on his ass :]
I sat on his chest and beat the shit out of him. After a minute he started to fight back. He pushed me off and got up. He pulled me up and slapped me across the face. Ha ha ha. Like that even hurt.
It was epic and a good time, well, for me. After 10 minutes some old man came out and got us to stop because he said he called the cops. Yeeea, I don't need that right now. I walked away and Sean went home. At least I think he did. Oh well. He started tearing up when I broke his nose, and I made sure to get some blood on my shirt for Brooke. We both looked like shit afterwards.
I went home and went to bed. My side hurt awful bad, I think I busted a rib. It was great though. First fight in a while :]

I walked around after I finally binded my ribs. I ended up at the DX with Soda and I told him That it was just Sean, no one he needed to worry about. I avoided going anywhere else because I was afraid I was going to run into Blair. I'm not very happy with her right now but I don't want to end up yelling at her. I know it's childish and stupid, but I just don't want to be around her right now.
I went over to Seth's after a while. I asked him about what Blair said just incase. He said no, that never happened. I made him look into my eyes and all that. I'm pretty good when people are lying to me and he was obviously telling the truth. I don't know, I didn't think Blair would ever say something like that to me in the first place. She doesn't even have actual proof.

At the end of the school day, I headed over to the Curtis's because I knew Brooke would be there. When Brooke came in I was sitting on the couch watching the tube. I held up my bloody shirt (I changed, obviously) and she did her happy squealy thing which is halarious and rushed over to hug me. Oh, good times. Making people happy by beating the shit out of their ex's :]
My Randle cockyness has come out a lot in this post :P haha oh well. Happy early birthday Brookie!

Carson

18 things about Blair you either knew or didn't

So, since Blair did a 18 things you didn't know about Carson, I'm going to do one for her.

1, shes a natural blonde

2, she always wanted to be a mom

3, but she's scared to raise a baby now

4, when she cares, she cares more then you could ever know

5, she would only get high and drunk to forget, not to be cool and have fun

6, the last time she wet the bed was at my house

7, she was 11

8, her first crush, when she was 5, was Steve

9, she's TERRIFIED of clowns

10, her favorite movie is The House Bunny and Barbie and the Three Musketeers

11, I sat with her all night and held her for an hour as she cried over the fact that Jamie said shit to her about being knocked up and expelled

12, shes scared for 2012 , like she accually wanted to build a bomb shelter in her backyard like they did durring world war 1&2

13, she tried to kill herself before, but apparently like me she fails at doing so

14, she hated Dally until she started high school, she couldn't stand him

15, she still sits in the dryer after a load of laundry in the winter and pretends it's summer


16, when we were little we were watching Sesame Street one day and I desided I wanted Grover for a friend instead, so I call her Grover when it's just us

17, she likes it. she deny's it, but she likes it. I know its true.

18, she loves to be around people. only because when she is alone and has the time to think, she scares herself.

I had to. Grover and Carebear =D










Also, I've desided when Blair and Dally's kid says "Where do babies come from?"
I'm gonna be all:
When a lady gets hungry...
She eats baby seeds
And the baby seeds grow in her belly
And then after 9 months of growing
She poops out a baby!
Genious, right?

Carson

home

I'm home now. Not for good, but I'm home. Seth's parents were pissssed when he got home, so he's grounded for a week or two. Which doesn't make sence since he would probably be driven to leave again. Whatever. I'm at my house, dad's drunk, same ol' same ol'. He looked a bit happy to see me when I walked in, but he was also reading PlayBoy. I saw Stevealious and got a big hug from him. And my Elmo! Blair gave it back because I'm home now. And Kitty, I'll give you your heels tomorrow.
The train ride home was boring. It was full of old people who gave me and Seth death looks when we kissed, so.. we didn't.. much. Old people can be scarey.
There isn't much to say really, but I drew some pictures of the gang on the train. (below)
This is also my thrid day in a row posting. I obviously have no life.

Guess who's who! :D

the one with the wavy-ish hair is thinking "andrew"
I just gave that one away.

dreams

You don't need to read this if you don't want to, but I feel like I should write this down incase I forget. It's kinda long but go ahead if you want to read it. It doesn't really have anything to do with anything. Oh, I almost forgot. Me and Seth are getting a train ride home tomorrow or something. I get relessed from the prison of meds and bad food tomorrow morning. Yay.


While I was in a coma for that week or so, I can remember bits of dreams I had. I don't know if their exactly dreams, but my mind was somewhere off that I can remember little strands of things that I know didn't happen.

I dreamt of Blair's baby. We were in a hospital room. All us girls, the boys (excepte Dally, he was there with us.) were outside waiting. Blair had just finished screaming, crying, and breaking both mine and Dally's hands. She refused meds, she wanted a natural birth. The baby was in the hands of the doctors, being cleaned off and stuff. He was crying. I've never really liked babies, but Riley Blaze was an exception. I was so glad he'd make it. Well, he's a Winston, so obviously he's a tough kid from the start of his existence. Anyway, when he was handed to Blair he was wrapped in a little blue blanket. He stopped crying after she said "hey baby" in the softest voice I've ever heard her use. He opened his big blue-greyish eyes and looked up at her. He had a few strands of white-blonde hair. He was the most beautiful, pureest little 5 pounds and 11 ounces of life I've seen. After a minute Blair handed him to Dally. Which was kinda funy because a nurse had to show him how to hold little Riley Blaze properly. Total Kodak moment, Dallas Winston holding his son for the first time and not knowing what to do. But the look Dally had.. Never saw it before. He smiled. After that I got to hold him. I reached out and saw the dimond ring from the New York jewary store on my left hand. I touched his soft little hand and...
That's where that dream ended. It was the most clearest of my dreams. I can't wait to be an aunt.

Pony and Cherry. But also Pony and Kristi..It was either one or the other, or both of them. Holding hands. Cherry/Kristi wearing all white. Pony in a tux. Lots of flowers. The only people around were close family and friends. Lots of tension. Suddenly lots of blood. Screaming. Touching something wet, warm and sticky..Ended. That one was weird. I think Ponyboy and Cherry/Kristi were getting married and someone murdered Cherry/Kristi. Amusing.. but kinda creepy. This one wasn't very clear at all. Everyhthing was a blur.

Dark. It smelt like dead rats and a garbage dump. Not a lot of space. Walls getting closer. Suffacating. Dying. I'm dying. Then theres light. It smells like burning birthday candels and cinnamon. (my favorite scents) I can feel warm sun on my skin like in the middle of the summer. More light. I can breath better. I can hear the laughter of my friends and brother. Happy and carefree. Then I see them all, smileing. I smile, Steve takes my hand to help me up..

There were so many more, but some weren't for anyone elses thoughts but my own (:P) and otheres were too long. So I just wrote down my favorites. (yes Cherry and Kristi being murdered is one of my favorites, no offence Pony :P)

Off to eat a little bit.
Carson

awake

The ceiling was white. The first thing I saw. White. Everything was silent for a moment. But that moment felt so long. It could've been hours for all I know. As my vision became less burly, I realized there were sounds. Lots of sounds. At first my mind couldn't figure out what it was. But then it became clearer. Beeping. Soft and loud footsteps. Voices. Some close, some far. Some were familiar, but others I had no idea. My head was throbbing pretty bad too. I could hear my heartbeat. The beeping matched it. It took a while for me to figure out what these things where, but I did it.
I was laying down on something soft, yet uncomterble. You guessed it, hospital bed. There was something stuck up my nose; breathing tubes.
After laying there for a while I heard a mumble. I think it said my name. But I couldn't really be sure because, to be honest, I couldn't remember my name at that point. But it sounded familiar. Something inside me ached for the mumble to come back, but all I got was a snort-ish sound, or a snore. I can't remember.
I looked away from the white ceiling. And there was.. a very dull hospital room. Things where making more sence. But I still can't remember what happened. The mumble came back. But this time it was louder and more clear. A voice. A familiar voice. "-----------you-----? can-------?"
That's all I remember the voice saying. Or that's all I got from it. I really don't know. I'm so confused right now. All I remember is those two words, and it was high pitched. Definatly a girl.

Everything after that is blank.

Then I saw the white ceiling again. Things made more sence this time around. Seth was mumbling by my bed, holding my hand. It took a moment, and I had some serious pins and needles, but I finaly managed to hold his hand. He looked at me then. He looked so hopeful. And sleepy. He needed to shave, to. How long has it been?
"hey" I forced myself to say. My voice sounded dry and weak. He smiled. Dispite how crappy he looked right then, it was beautiful. I felt myself smile back. He looked so happy.
The rest of the gang was there to, surpizingly. That bit was confusing. I put aside all questions and just went along with their happiness. My chest really hurts. So I just layed down the whole time. Excepte when I had to hug people. They wouldn't stop with the hugs! I love hugs and all, but seriously guys!
Blair was the one who I wanted hugs from the most though. I know she was pissed about me leaving because we had so many plans of seeing the world, doing all these things together. I feel bad, but when I saw her face to see me awake it felt so good. I knew she was cool with it for that moment. When I held out my arms for a hug, she accepted without hesitation. I whispered "I missed you and love you, you know that right?" and she smiled ever so slightly and said "I'm going to kill you if you scare me like that again, you know that right?" I laughed slightly and nodded. No one heard our little conversation but us.

I had to talk to the doc to. He said I need to stay for another night. But all I really care about right now is not eatting weird hospital food. I can't wait to get out, but I also want to stay. It's nice for once that everyone cared about my well-being. Weird, but nice. Nice weird :)
My fingers are numb and it's acctually taking me a very long time to write this. But I like writing things down, it helps me make more sence of what I'm thinking. Everyone's eatting or sleeping, I guess they had a long trip. Haha it's kinda funny seeing everyone curled up in plastic chairs together, or sitting on the floor stuffing down nasty food (Two-bit.)

Anyway, thanks for being there everyone :) I'm going to take a nap because I'm so tired.
love you all,
Carson

seth again

She's getting worse. I've gotten some sleep though, but pretty much only 'cause the doc gave me some meds. He says I needta get it together or else I'll be hospitalized soon. We're in Salem, Massachusetts (I think that's spelled right) if anyone wants to know. I don't know what to do man..