Carson

New blog.

2010-06-13T07:23:00.000-07:00

Www.carsonrandleblog.blogspot.com
I think that's right.

Confessions of a Broken Heart

2010-05-12T14:39:00.000-07:00

Fighting doesn't solve shit. The old me would've went and killed those sons of bitches. Now, fighting, causing someone pain, being supirior to them.. doesn't appeal to me like it use to. It wont get me a better home, better lives for my friends and family. Fighting wont keep douche guys from breaking my friends hearts. It wont make my dad sober and love me and Steve. It'll only get us jailed and hospitalized and killed.
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I said, Hey babe lets go for a walk.
It was dark out. Just nearly 11:30, so kinda early. We walked around downtown, just talking.

There was this gang. About 5 big guys. They started sayin' shit to me and Travis got all mad. He picked a fight, I fought to. They had switches, they pulled one on Travis. Neither of us had weapons. It was a dumbass move. Anyway, they were fightin' and I was tryin' to get the blade away from that one guy and then the air is filled with the sound of a gunshot.

Everyone went still. There was this one thud. My heart sank. I knew who it hit before I saw. The gang ran off. I rushed to Travis. He was just laying there. In his own puddle of blood that got bigger and bigger as the minutes ticked by. I fell to my knees and pulled him into my arms. His body was weak, but his eyes still flashed up to my face. Under his clothes, I felt his muscles, they were very tense and working hard to keep him up. Tears were streaming down my face. My gut told me this was it. It was his time. I fucking hated that feeling. I was helpless and couldn't end his suffering myself.

His eyes began to fade. His body got weaker and weaker. Then limp. His head fell back and the blood just kept ozing from his body. It was weird. Just holding him. I couldn't let go, I didn't want to. But holding him like that... To be holding something that was once so alive, that I've held many times, and has always been alert. Even when asleep, never this limp. He was just... gone. He didn't look asleep. He didn't look peaceful. His dead eyes were open and staring off while his mouth hung open slightly.

The cops eventually came. I couldn't talk to them. Just wrote down his parents phone number. I didn't know what I was gonna do. But I was taken home once his parents got there. I mean, home as in his place. They respected me and aloud me to just go to bed, in the morning I told them what happened.

I used to think I had it all together. I only could cry at night but no one saw me or heard so I was safe. During the daylight hours I'd be happy and fine. I used to think that, until Travis's mom gave me that hug. I don't tend to like hugs because they mean either goodbye or that something really bad had happened. When she hugged me, I broke. I fell right apart in her arms. I cried so hard I gave myself a migrain. I never felt like that before.

It doesn't even feel like he's gone. But at the same time it does. It hasn't been that long, but it feels like forever. When I close my eyes all I see is his dead body. It's so fucking clear. I try to think back on times when he was smiling, laughing, telling me his thoughts while he stared off into space.. it's hard though. I cry most of the time when I think about it. And he's pretty near the only thing I'm thinking of lately. It's barely been 3 months. Which isn't that long. But I really did love him. I could see us together until we were old and grey, shaking our fists at little kids screaming "YOU ROTTEN KIDS!". We were never going to get married, but we were going to get celtic tattoo rings to bind us together forever.

It was a terrible mothers day for his family. I can't imagine what his mom had to go through. I don't want to either.

I don't want any of that "ohmyshit I'm so sorry" crap. Because none of you did anything. It was that gang. But I don't know when I'll be home, or if I will come back. I'm sorry. I'm sorry all of you, but I don't know what to do. I need to clear my head. I love you all.

Carson, R.I.P. Travis.

My God, Are You Insane?

2010-05-09T08:34:00.000-07:00

So it's Mothers Day. Why is this significant to a kid with no mom like myself? Well I don't really know. Every mothers day I would think about going and finding her, or trying to figure out where the hell she was or if she was dead. When I was smaller, I'd make her cards in class and hope she came around to get it. I was a naive little kid. I know now, after what happened in Maine with Seth and talking to my dad, that she isn't ever comming back.

I've desided to spend this day down in L.A. with Travis and his family. Since the Curtis's mom and Mathew's mom aren't around for me to say happy mothers day to. So I flew out this morning, made sure the my work knew I wouldn't be around the next few days, and had brunch with Travis and his family. I love them, their pretty damn epic. His dad is pretty much the coolest 47 year old dude I ever met to. He's big, not Darry big, chubby big. But he's not like obesse or anything. He's got thick dark hair and a go-tee. He never misses a beat with jokes, and cares about his kids. You can also see the love in his dark eyes when he looks at his wife. It's beautiful man. Beatiful and insanely sappy. Kat, Travis's mom, is beautiful. Her voice is soft, and she's very gental. I love how their family is loaded with cash, yet their close as can be. Unlike the socs that live in Tulsa. Maybe thats why Travis wont move up to be with me. Oh well, we're making it work.

It's Blair's first mothers day. I'm so happy for her. I was talking to her on the phone and she said he came home today. I'm sorry I missed it, but I'm glad I get to see Travis. I haven't smoked a single ciggerette all day either! I'm getting better, but I've been drinking lots of red wine. I don't know how great that is, but whatever. IT helps me sleep at night, and thats what they say isn't it? Whatever helps you sleep at night.

And! I'm off. I'll try to post again soon, I've been slacking lately.

Carson.

Blood in the River

2010-04-27T10:43:00.000-07:00

Blair was let out of the hospital. Blaze is still in, we can't see him. Only Two-bit, Jamie and Dallas. I'm glad their both ok. I make Blair tell me everything the doc says about him.

Evie, Blair and I are still living together with Shr!mp. And since Evie is still fat and Blair is working on the nursery, I've been running with Shr!mp whever I can. He's HUUUGE now. I swear he weighs more then me. But he's such a loveable gental thing that he is very good and doesn't rip my arm off when he sees another dog. He'll be good with the babies.

Speaking of babies. Bri's knocked up to. And getting married to Darry. But I don't think Darry should go through with it anymore. He's always been loyal and loved Bri, and she goes and fucks Dallas. I love my cousin and all, but she doesn't deserve Darry after this. Just like how I don't think Dallas deserves Blair.

Every night when I get home from a shift at the Dingo, I make sure Evie and Blair have fed themselves, ask about Blaze, call Travis, talk to him for a few hours, and then have a glass of red wine. I don't know why, because I hate wine, but I've been drinking a lot of it. After one glass it helps me sleep. Then I wake up, take Shr!mp out, come home and shower, go to work and do it all over again.

I don't really know what else to say. Nothing else has really been happening. I'm down to 2 smokes a day, its fucking horrible. I have one smoke break durring work, and have another when my shift is done. i've been getting irritated at customers easier, and have yelled at Timothy Shepard more then once. O well. Also, I really like Travis, it just hurts that he's far away. And! I dyed my hair. I thought it was time for a good change, since things around are changing a lot. I thought, what the hell. Now guess whos a wannabe ginger?

-Carson

Mornin' Whores.

2010-04-26T13:56:00.000-07:00

Today, I woke up next to this guy. It was a pretty hard core night last night. Anyway, this blond guy was kinda cute. His name was... I can't remember. I can't remember anything from last night. After he went home and my hangover was past, Jamie brought her new boyfriend over. It was the same Brayden guy I had slept with. FML.

-Carson

P.S.
It was a joke D: I spoke with Brayden before and he said he'd go along with it. Jamie failed at getting mad though.

Hospitals, TeaPots and All That Fun Jazz.

2010-04-09T21:27:00.000-07:00

Two-bit's my bestie forever and always. I love him to death. When I called to tell someone I was in the hospital I called him, and he came with a 'get well' helium balloon. We have fun trying to toss it back and forth :D. I only wanted Two-bit there at first, because, well. I look like shit. Kitty was a little resentful at letting me spend time with my Tibby but I got him >:] hehe.
Anywho. Me and Mr. Mathews harrassed the hospital staff when I had the energy to do so. If not, he did :D. It was quiet histerical. When he fell asleep on the little cusioned chair, he was all cute and curled up looking. People look younger then they are sleeping, and its funny as hell when a tough greaser is all curled up mummbling the "I'm a little tea" song over and over. He started doing the actions but fell off the chair xD. He was like "WHOA! what happened?!" and I was like "Mickey Mouse came to visit you but you where sleeping so he went back to Disney." and Two-bit cried "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" and proceeded to run out of the room. I heard him screaming for Mickey for about a half hour. hehe. Two-bit you make me pee my pants with happy laughter. I'm sorry you weren't in my last post D:.
Kitty, your a lucky little cupcake. You managed to get a hold on this great guy who I'm proud to call my BESSSSST FRIIIEND!!!!. Don't let him go. He's fuckin' epic man. Tibby, Car loves you :D. You make me smile when I'm in pain, or when I'm upset. You always know when to crack the right joke. And your the best shoplifter I know :D. Even if you're slightly insain, thats ok, everyone else is to. But I love you and you know it :D.

So heres what happened. I was being all stupid and cocky. I've had it with these dumbass socs that think they can just walk all over us. I'm done with them hurting my friends. I'm tired of the jump stories. I'm fustrated with seeing innocent kids be scared to walk alone. FUCK. So I took my heater and switch, and marched my ass right into the socs territory. It was dusk by the time I got there. No one was really around. I walked until I saw 5 dark shadows headed toward me.

I don't remember much of the shit that happened. I remember being in a lot of pain. The crack of the gun as it went off, I just don't remember who it hit. I recived a few stab wounds, one might be a bullet but I'm all patched up now and too lazy to ask. I've got a sprained wrist and a few broken fingers, and something about my leg is really soar. Sigh. Theres also bandages on my head. Tibby made fun of them D:.

But yea, it was 5 on 1. Not fair, but I knew I could take them. One was kinda little (although compaired to my 5'2 1/2 height, he was big.)They were also kinda high, or stoned, or whatever. The point is that their brain wasn't working correctly. It all happened pretty fast. My adrenaline was pumping. Just like a rumble, just with less people. They had blades on them to. I remember that the start of the fight was mostly talk. Then one shoved me and I went off the edge. I screamed at them and started attacking them. I don't remember leaving the spot. Actualy, the last thing I remember is laying on the ground, with a heavy weight on my chest. Sigh. I
'm never going to be able to show my face again. I've lost a fight. I think thats one of the first I've lost. FUCK. And it was to get back at them to! uhg!

When I woke up, my vision was blurry. I was like "hey man, this has so happened before!" I waited for a moment, letting my eyes adjust and looked around. I must say, I was honestly dissappointed to only see a nurse. My heart acctually sank. Seth. Yea, that was the first thing to think of. I kicked myself mentaly in the ass for not thinking of Travis.
Anyhow. Nurse was all "my name is Amy blah blah blah". I wasn't really listening. She kept asking for my name and I didn't want to talk to her, because 1) isn't there some terrible nurse named Amy? and 2) I was too depressed about my previous Seth thought. After about 5 minutes I finally screamed at her to let me have a phone. My voice kinda hurt to project like that, I musta been hit in the throat. She quickly got me a phone and this is where I called my Tibby. He was with Kit but he came to see me for a few hours. I love you Tibby :D.

And you already know how it went thanks to the top of my post. I hurt so I'm gonna rest after I yell at the nurse to leave me alone and let me out. ta ta.
BUT! before I sign off. Kit, you and your mom always said shit happens for a reason. I'd just like to know, from anyone, why the hell am I in a hospital?

Carson.

I'm Not Crazy, I'm Just A Little Unwell.

2010-04-08T14:48:00.000-07:00

So, the past however long has been weird. I’ve lost track of time (like always) and just HOPE I can remember what all happened.
First I’ll say, Easter was a blast, the club was fun, Jamie’s birthday was epic. And the party was even better. I had helped Blair plan the whole thing since Christmas.
Jamie, Evie, Blair and I are all living together now. At the old Mathew’s house. Jamie’s my favourite though. She’s never sick or having pregnant times like Blair and Evie. All they do is be moody. I’m converting Two-bit’s room into my room. Its gonna be all decked out like Mickey Mouse and shit :D. Just because. But I’m thinking of running away to the Curtis’s and living as a refugee, like I used to when I was living with dad and Steve.
And I got little Blaze his first present. :D. It’s a little stuffed.. Thing. I think its adorable. His name is Ox.

I’ve even been trying to quit smoking for Blaze and my nephew and Soda and Katie’s babies. :D. it’s a shit hard thing but I’ve managed down to just 4 or 5 a day, depending if I’m with Travis or not. Oh speaking of Travis, he still lives in L.A. but he visits every other week to be with me. We’re right chill now. We had a little fight a few weeks ago. I called him, I yelled, he cursed. I cried, he apologized. But I hung up and cried myself to sleep. Next thing I know is I’m prying my eyes open from a deep sleep and he’s laying there. He looked so exhausted but he took my breath away. But he couldn’t stay too long. We talked for hours, laughed and cried. We got so close in those short hours. I couldn’t stand to have him leave when he had to. But we made love and he left me his beaten, old army green jacket in exchange for my over sized Hedley concert t shirt.

I didn’t cry when he got on the plane, because I don’t cry in public. But I went home and got Steve to take me hubcap stealing. Steve, I don’t think you know this but you’re the best big brother a Carson could ever ask for. The rest of the day Steve showed me quick ways to get the hubcaps off, break into cars without the alarms going off, and so on. You know Steve, I love it when we spend time just you and me. I feel like since Evie and I ran away with Seth we’ve drifted apart. I love you big bro, we used to be so tight when we both lived with dad. You protected me from his assholeness even if it meant getting you kicked out as well. It was a great day. I grew closer to two boys in my life that mean soooooo much to me. Or at least reconnected with darling Steve. XD I love you bro, don’t forget that.

I’ve started working at the Dingo. You know, to fill up my time and pay for shit I want and need. They make me wear a little pink thing and a hat. It’s great money, and the greasy kids that come in are fun conversation. It keeps me up with who’s going with who, who got arrested for what and why, who’s left their homes and so on. My first day training was basically out back, I learned how to carry things on big plates while wearing my roller-skates. (yea, part of my uniform is roller-skates. Epic, right?) Tim Sheppard’s outfit hangs out at the Dingo a lot more though. That’s cool, me and Curly are like BFF’s! (someone kill me for saying that.) I yell at Tim a lot because he doesn’t change his clothes as much as I would like. He just doesn’t seem to care about his hygiene like normal people. Even though he’s a shit broke greaser like the rest of us, and that I dig the kid, he needs to change his clothes. Just. Tim. Change. That’s all I want from your ass. And tell your gang to stop looking down my shirt. I don’t appreciate it much.

I took Cristy-Crunch to get her septum pierced. (no, not the one in your heart. On your nose.) she made me hold her hand. Haha. that’s ok, Jeff (piercing artist) is the shit and doesn’t care about that. While she was paying I talked to Shaun about my latest tattoo idea. He loves it. Have yall read Tupac’s poem “The Rose That Grew From Concrete”? Well, I want a rose that looks like its growing in, or beside some train tracks. The tracks representing our side of town, the rose; our gang. Society said we’d all grow up to be dropouts, criminals, drug addicts, ect. Well, the only real criminal is Dallas, and he ain’t THAT bad. Sure a few of us dropped out, but Soda did it for his family, Blair was only expelled. But look at Pony, Jamie, Jelly and Darry. Their goin’ places with their smarts. And everyone else, I’m sure will move mountains. Yall are good people. Don’t forget that. Your all beautiful and amazing in your own ways. And I never wanna forget you guys, wherever and however we end up. We’re all still alive and good, not innocent, but you know what I mean, right? Like the rose that grew from concrete; we had it rough, but we’re still together. We made it through the awkward stages of growing up, losing family, deaths of friends, jail time here and there, runaways, heart break. But we’re all good, and about to experience new family, new jobs, new homes. It’s gonna be fucking great and I can’t wait.

Now on a more depressing note. KitKat, Johnny and Jelly are in the hospital. And Brookie. They fucking jumped her and scared me shitless when she didn't come home. Fucking socs thinking their all great and whatnot. I swore I’d kill the son-of-a-bitches but I don’t know who the hell they are. Those fucking socs are gonna be killed. First Im taking the kiddies some good sugary food, then off to kill the socs. I’m taking a loaded heater and switch blade. I’ll call if I get jailed.

Carson.

Todays Headlines

2010-03-25T12:51:00.000-07:00

Today;
Carson Randle is died.
Blair ran over her with a truck.
The end.

Man, theres something wrong.

2010-03-20T17:57:00.000-07:00

So, Soda got married. Yay, congrats buddy. :] It was a cute wedding, everything was in its place during the ceremony. Katie looked beautiful of course and Soda looked dashing. haha. Everyone looked great. The cake was delious. Blah blah blah. Just read everyone else's posts about it because I don't like repeting what EVERYONE has already said. :]

Caution: This post is completely retarded and I suggest not reading if you don't want to get annoyed :]
Lately I've been feeling under the weather. Whatever that means. I mean, I'm under the weather every single second of my life, arent I? Has anyone ever been ontop of the weather? No. Not unless their in an airplane. Yea.. whatever.. onto other things..

Travis is the greeeatest. But 3 days after returning home from Cali, Travis had to go back. His brother has a band and they were doing a tour thing or whatever.. The point is he's gone. Approximatly 1280 miles away. Well, from Tulsa to L.A. Whatever. He's still gone.

I'm losing sleep because of him. I stay up late talking to him, and then when I go to bed I have nightmares of him. The first thing I see when I close my eyes is his beautiful face. I automaticly wake up in the middle of the night to check my phone to see if he messaged me. It's pathedic really. I'm scared of losing him I guess. I don't know how to explain anything. The way he is, makes me so mad. Like his personality. But I don't think I could ever yell at him for being him. Or you know.. I don't know. Uhg. He's such a goddamn flirt and sometimes can be an ass. But he's got a great sence of humor and he's sweet. I hate it all. I hate that he makes me feel this way. He doesn't do that cute make me feel special thing that other girls talk about. I feel stupid liking him. Because it's all stupid. We're young. Its not gonna last forever like I want it to. Its unforenate but true, I love hating him but hate loving him. If that makes much sence. Sigh. One day I told him I wanted to hate him or something. And he didn't understand what the hell was going on. It was weird and then he got mad at me.. But later I told him it was hopeless. Sigh. Again. I'd say more. But I don't think I have the energy to do so.

I'm actualy physicaly sick. Im not sure if its because of him. It must be the lack of sleep caused by him. I've had constent headaches and stomach pains. And I've thrown up and had sore throats. I never get sick like this. Usually its just a stuffy nose and a small hammer pounding at the back of my head for 24 hours and my sickness is gone. My vision blurs when I get a headache and its really weird.

My heads still pounding. I went and took a 6 hour nap and came back to read this fruity shit. I talked to a good friend and she says that it sounds like I love him but I don't want to. I refuse to love him. I hate him most of the time and then I talk to him and get stupid.

I can't really get my thoughts straight right now. Earlier my head hurt so bad that I couldn't keep it up straight without feeling that my brain was growing and growing until it explodes. It hurt so bad that after 30 seconds of keeping it up right I'd crumble to the ground and scream. I had to lay down for 2 hours. I almost cried a few times but managed to stop myself. I locked myself away so no one would see me like that. It was hell. I never felt that kinda pain. I was so helpless. Shit I hate this. He's putting me through hell and doesn't even know.

I've been having lots of dreams of Travis to.. I wake up in the middle of the night crying, or sweating. I don't really get the sweating part. I never really sweat when I sleep because I kick the blankets off when its too hot. But I put on the a/c and I'm not useing any blankets and I'm still sweating.. It's kinda gross and weird. The crying part is easyer to explain. It's usualy all happy and junk with Travis, then something happens and I'm left alone, in the cold. Sigh.

I think I'm just scared. Do I talk too much? I'm probably not as annoyed as you are by this point but I'm still pretty annoyed at the retardedness of this post. The point is, I don't love him, and he makes me feel like shit. Sigh. Ever since Seth, well actualy even before him, I've wished on 11:11 and eye lashes and all that pointless nonsence. I always wish the same thing; someone for me to 'love'. Uhg. And then I got Seth and this. Uhg. Before the end with Seth, thats the kinda shit I wanted. But aparently that was fake. And now this shit with Travis.. I don't know. I need to go lay down for a little while and blast my music. Get lost in the world of dreams and maybe eat a brownie. Sigh. I keep forgeting what I'm talking about so I'm gonna stop now.

Carson.

I wanna take a ride on your disco stick.

2010-03-14T16:50:00.000-07:00

Today, when the barrista took my name for my Starbucks order, I was feeling devious. Instead of telling him my name was Carson, I said my name was Gereldiena. He looked at me funn and it took him 4220135 years to spell it. There was no point in me doing this, and afterwards I felt guilty for lying.

Carson

Stealing Kitty's Thing.

2010-03-11T03:11:00.000-08:00

I'm stealing Kit's memory thing. Ok, here it does.

The first day I met Blair. I've been depressed ever since. The end.

It's Just A Reflection Of Roses

2010-03-06T21:07:00.001-08:00

What day is it? And in what month? I'm loosing track of time. I'm tired. I really am. I'm tired of this. This whole 'meet a guy, fall stupid, be stupid' uhg.
I met this guy Travis our second day here. I've been hanging out with him when I'm not being drowned by Blair (a.k.a. When she's with this Jacob fellow.)
Travis is a really great guy. He's really sweet, but he's also kinda cocky. But he can make me laugh and is kinda dumb. It's adorable.. He'll say sweet things but then 2 seconds later hes back to being cocky.. I dunno. He makes me feel funny. I didn't really feel that with Seth. When I think about Travis (which is a lot. haha.) I get this funny feeling in the pit of my stomach. When I see him smile, something inside of me gets depressed. A very small part mind you, because the rest of me is busy being stupid and happy. But I always notice the depressed bit.. It's like.. I dunno.. He depresses me and I don't know why because at the same time, he makes me so happy.
He says he really likes me, but I don't believe him fully for unknown reasons. Probably Seth.. oh well, Travis is so much better. He treats me like a real person, unlike how Seth put me up on a pedistol like a princess. It sounds dumb because most girls like that, but I don't. I've realized I like my space from a guy. When I think back on it, I felt suffocated by Seth. Not from Travis, he's like a best friend, but more.. I don't know. I refuse to love him just yet though. I really really like him..
Boy's make me feel dumb all together. haha. Why can't they just leave my emotions alone and let me find myself before falling for them? Sigh.. I might just be in Stupid again. not in love, in Stupid.
I don't think "love" exists. Besides sibling and parental love, theres no other love. "Soul mates" ? They aren't the person you fall in "love" with, their the person who'll always be there for you, the one you've known forever. The one that if you didn't have them, you'd be nothing. My soul mate is Blair. If she wasn't here, I wouldn't be me. If she were to leave, I'd die. Without her I am nothing. She'll always be there for me no matter what, and I'l always be there for her. Beside Blair, my siblings are the gang. There not really my blood, besides Steve-o, but they'll always be there to cheer me up or whatever. And I'll always stand by them, even if their wrong, I'll bitch out and punch whoever I need to to keep my sisters/brothers safe/happy.
I "love" you guys :]
From Carson, with love :D.

See Me Smile, See Me Fly

2010-03-05T06:07:00.000-08:00

The other day I gotbored and got myself a little somethin' :D It was supossed to be at the bottom of the post.. but I suck. :(
The cupcake and the bow for those of you that are dumb and don't know what I'm talking about..

anyhow..
I love California. It's so fuuucking wonderfuly warm. I've been waiting 17 years. I got so excited when I saw the Hollywood sign. Jeeze I love you Blair, kitty, and Tibby for kiddnapping me :D
Me and Blair finally got out camle tattoos from LA Ink :] or High Voltage, which sounds way tuffer then LA Ink. haha. The shop is so much smaller then it looks on tv. haha oh well.
Oh! And I just absolutly love the beaches. There B-E-A-U-TIFUUUUL. :]I never wanna leave Cali.. but I know I have to.. for Sodapop's wedding, and Blair's gonna raise little Boo-Bear (Blaze) in Tulsa I think.
I also met this guy, he's pretty cool. His names Travis. I'm just watching where I step because I don't want another Seth insident happening. He's cute though. I really like him.
I miss you guys so muchly though! 'specially you Dawn. I bought several packs of skittles and I always think of you. haha. We have to do the TASTE THE RAINBOW BITCH! thing as soon as possible.
And Evie, I dunno the status with you and my brother right now, but I'm looking forward to my little neice/nephew or whatever from you. I'm gonna beat your ass if you get drunk or do anything stupid to hurt this little guy D:< I seriously will.
I can't say anything about Two-bitty and Kitty because I hear them fucking all the time. haha it's disturbing you guys. :p But Two-bit, I thought you dug blonds? Kitty you must feel special xD
Dallas you knocked up Blair and such. I suposse I have to love you xD. and Jamie, I miss your sence. I mean, I guess your mother held it back from Two-bit and Blair and just gave it all to you. haha.
um, who else? oh yes, Brookie, I miss your blond moments. There soo funny. I have no one to mock now! Excepte Blair, but she frightens me a tad. haha.
ermmm.. The Curtis's! Because I'm too lazy to write about you all individaly, [even though KitKat was already mentioned with Two-bit] I'm just gonna say I miss your seprate personalities and all that sappyness. Soda, I hope things are swell with Katie and same with you Ponyy, but about Brookie.
Um. Let's just say everyone who hasn't been mentioned yet I love you all and miss you greatly. I'm getting lazy and it's late and we're walking the movie star street thingy tomorrow morning :D.
I've also been hanging out with this guy Travis I met.. he's pretty cool :] haha
From Cali, with love.
Carson

Quitters Never Win.

2010-02-28T20:34:00.000-08:00

I've desided to stop. I don't wanna do this anymore. It's been nice knowing you all.

So, I slept on it. Thought about it a bit throughout the day. I'm gonna stay I guess. Thanks Dawn and Soda for kinda talking me outta it. You guys haven't gotten rid of me yet xD

Love you all,
Carson

The Hott-ie and The Not-ie

2010-02-28T19:53:00.000-08:00

Blair is amazing. She is the coolist thing to ever walk the face of this earth. I worship the ground she walks on. Her aussomness puts me to shame. Just being around her makes me feel slightly more amazing then i really am. I wish I could be just like Blair. She makes me wish I was a better person. Just knowing that Im not Blair makes me loose the will to live. I mean just look at her! Shes so beautiful! Blair is god.

Carson

The Bitch Is Back

2010-02-17T13:25:00.000-08:00

So we're back in Tulsa for my birthday :D. I got an extra awesome present from Two-bit! :D I love it Two-bitch. :3
So me and Blair are back and blah blah blah it was a really long drive and blah blah blah. I think we're gonna be here until Sodapop's wedding.
Well theres nothing else to say but I'm gonna be an actual REAL auntie to Steve's baby! Even though apparently Evie's a hoebag and we don't like her anymore? Whatever. I still get to be an auntie.
There isn't much else to say. So, that's is. haha.
Bye.
Carson

You Were Right All This Time

2010-02-08T14:02:00.001-08:00

There he was, my Seth, laying in bed. With another girl. Naked. He was laying in bed naked with another girl. He immidiatly started lieing and saying bull shit. The girl quickly got dressed and left. I started yelling at Seth. And I don't do that. Yell at people. Unless I'm super pissed. After a while of me yelling at him telling him he's lieing, he finally broke. He said he was sorry and that it meant nothing. Ha ha. Yea right. He later told me that him and Blondie with blue eyes and big tits used to date. They were together for 3 years. They only broke up because she had to move away. A month later he met me and never mentioned that he was heart broken. I started crying. The first time since I found out about my mom. He tried to comfert me but I screamed at him not to touch me and stormed off.

I thought about it. How Seth never really treated me the same when his friends were around. He was a little more cocky and didn't look at me the same. I asked him about it one day and he simply said "I don't want them making fun of me for being soft" so I went along with it. I know how he feels with not wanting to look soft.. He was always super sweet every other time though. He always told me I looked pretty and held doors open and waited for me before going ahead.

I'm sorry Blair I could ever put a guy between us. I'm sorry I didn't believe you. I'm sorry I was a complete bitch. You know how sorry I am by now. But I'm sorry I had to be a bitch and then make you stay up with me while I cried and said sorry over and over.

I always thought I was the smart one. The tough one who wouldn't cry over a boy. The one who would know when she was being treated wrong and leave. Uhg. I'm tired of learning life the hard way.

Now I'm with Blair in Detroit. I'll tell you more later. Sorry.

Carson

Friday morning blood stains

2010-02-05T13:01:00.000-08:00

So, I've desided that I need a good fight. Also, no one beat Sean's ass down for hurting my little Brookie Cookie. I got up nice and early for the school day even though I haven't woken up at 6:00 in FOREVER. I got dressed and pulled my hair back into a ponytail. I grabbed a peice of toast and started on my walk to the school. I made sure to pass the school and get a few blocks closer to the Socs side so no principal douche would stop me. He was walking alone, with his head down listening to an iPod or something. I grinned to myself.
When he got closer I said "hey". He looked up, all puzzled to see me smiling at him. Awwww, little rich boy is confused. Cute.
He took out his headphones and was about to say something but I slugged him a good one in the face. Hey, I may be incredibly short, but I can manage reaching up high enough to knock this kid on his ass :]
I sat on his chest and beat the shit out of him. After a minute he started to fight back. He pushed me off and got up. He pulled me up and slapped me across the face. Ha ha ha. Like that even hurt.
It was epic and a good time, well, for me. After 10 minutes some old man came out and got us to stop because he said he called the cops. Yeeea, I don't need that right now. I walked away and Sean went home. At least I think he did. Oh well. He started tearing up when I broke his nose, and I made sure to get some blood on my shirt for Brooke. We both looked like shit afterwards.
I went home and went to bed. My side hurt awful bad, I think I busted a rib. It was great though. First fight in a while :]

I walked around after I finally binded my ribs. I ended up at the DX with Soda and I told him That it was just Sean, no one he needed to worry about. I avoided going anywhere else because I was afraid I was going to run into Blair. I'm not very happy with her right now but I don't want to end up yelling at her. I know it's childish and stupid, but I just don't want to be around her right now.
I went over to Seth's after a while. I asked him about what Blair said just incase. He said no, that never happened. I made him look into my eyes and all that. I'm pretty good when people are lying to me and he was obviously telling the truth. I don't know, I didn't think Blair would ever say something like that to me in the first place. She doesn't even have actual proof.

At the end of the school day, I headed over to the Curtis's because I knew Brooke would be there. When Brooke came in I was sitting on the couch watching the tube. I held up my bloody shirt (I changed, obviously) and she did her happy squealy thing which is halarious and rushed over to hug me. Oh, good times. Making people happy by beating the shit out of their ex's :]
My Randle cockyness has come out a lot in this post :P haha oh well. Happy early birthday Brookie!

Carson

18 things about Blair you either knew or didn't

2010-02-01T13:34:00.000-08:00

So, since Blair did a 18 things you didn't know about Carson, I'm going to do one for her.

1, shes a natural blonde

2, she always wanted to be a mom

3, but she's scared to raise a baby now

4, when she cares, she cares more then you could ever know

5, she would only get high and drunk to forget, not to be cool and have fun

6, the last time she wet the bed was at my house

7, she was 11

8, her first crush, when she was 5, was Steve

9, she's TERRIFIED of clowns

10, her favorite movie is The House Bunny and Barbie and the Three Musketeers

11, I sat with her all night and held her for an hour as she cried over the fact that Jamie said shit to her about being knocked up and expelled

12, shes scared for 2012 , like she accually wanted to build a bomb shelter in her backyard like they did durring world war 1&2

13, she tried to kill herself before, but apparently like me she fails at doing so

14, she hated Dally until she started high school, she couldn't stand him

15, she still sits in the dryer after a load of laundry in the winter and pretends it's summer

16, when we were little we were watching Sesame Street one day and I desided I wanted Grover for a friend instead, so I call her Grover when it's just us

17, she likes it. she deny's it, but she likes it. I know its true.

18, she loves to be around people. only because when she is alone and has the time to think, she scares herself.

I had to. Grover and Carebear =D

Also, I've desided when Blair and Dally's kid says "Where do babies come from?"
I'm gonna be all:
When a lady gets hungry...
She eats baby seeds
And the baby seeds grow in her belly
And then after 9 months of growing
She poops out a baby!
Genious, right?

Carson

home

2010-01-27T09:23:00.000-08:00

I'm home now. Not for good, but I'm home. Seth's parents were pissssed when he got home, so he's grounded for a week or two. Which doesn't make sence since he would probably be driven to leave again. Whatever. I'm at my house, dad's drunk, same ol' same ol'. He looked a bit happy to see me when I walked in, but he was also reading PlayBoy. I saw Stevealious and got a big hug from him. And my Elmo! Blair gave it back because I'm home now. And Kitty, I'll give you your heels tomorrow.
The train ride home was boring. It was full of old people who gave me and Seth death looks when we kissed, so.. we didn't.. much. Old people can be scarey.
There isn't much to say really, but I drew some pictures of the gang on the train. (below)
This is also my thrid day in a row posting. I obviously have no life.

Guess who's who! :D

the one with the wavy-ish hair is thinking "andrew"
I just gave that one away.

dreams

2010-01-26T07:23:00.000-08:00

You don't need to read this if you don't want to, but I feel like I should write this down incase I forget. It's kinda long but go ahead if you want to read it. It doesn't really have anything to do with anything. Oh, I almost forgot. Me and Seth are getting a train ride home tomorrow or something. I get relessed from the prison of meds and bad food tomorrow morning. Yay.

While I was in a coma for that week or so, I can remember bits of dreams I had. I don't know if their exactly dreams, but my mind was somewhere off that I can remember little strands of things that I know didn't happen.

I dreamt of Blair's baby. We were in a hospital room. All us girls, the boys (excepte Dally, he was there with us.) were outside waiting. Blair had just finished screaming, crying, and breaking both mine and Dally's hands. She refused meds, she wanted a natural birth. The baby was in the hands of the doctors, being cleaned off and stuff. He was crying. I've never really liked babies, but Riley Blaze was an exception. I was so glad he'd make it. Well, he's a Winston, so obviously he's a tough kid from the start of his existence. Anyway, when he was handed to Blair he was wrapped in a little blue blanket. He stopped crying after she said "hey baby" in the softest voice I've ever heard her use. He opened his big blue-greyish eyes and looked up at her. He had a few strands of white-blonde hair. He was the most beautiful, pureest little 5 pounds and 11 ounces of life I've seen. After a minute Blair handed him to Dally. Which was kinda funy because a nurse had to show him how to hold little Riley Blaze properly. Total Kodak moment, Dallas Winston holding his son for the first time and not knowing what to do. But the look Dally had.. Never saw it before. He smiled. After that I got to hold him. I reached out and saw the dimond ring from the New York jewary store on my left hand. I touched his soft little hand and...
That's where that dream ended. It was the most clearest of my dreams. I can't wait to be an aunt.

Pony and Cherry. But also Pony and Kristi..It was either one or the other, or both of them. Holding hands. Cherry/Kristi wearing all white. Pony in a tux. Lots of flowers. The only people around were close family and friends. Lots of tension. Suddenly lots of blood. Screaming. Touching something wet, warm and sticky..Ended. That one was weird. I think Ponyboy and Cherry/Kristi were getting married and someone murdered Cherry/Kristi. Amusing.. but kinda creepy. This one wasn't very clear at all. Everyhthing was a blur.

Dark. It smelt like dead rats and a garbage dump. Not a lot of space. Walls getting closer. Suffacating. Dying. I'm dying. Then theres light. It smells like burning birthday candels and cinnamon. (my favorite scents) I can feel warm sun on my skin like in the middle of the summer. More light. I can breath better. I can hear the laughter of my friends and brother. Happy and carefree. Then I see them all, smileing. I smile, Steve takes my hand to help me up..

There were so many more, but some weren't for anyone elses thoughts but my own (:P) and otheres were too long. So I just wrote down my favorites. (yes Cherry and Kristi being murdered is one of my favorites, no offence Pony :P)

Off to eat a little bit.
Carson

awake

2010-01-25T11:11:00.000-08:00

The ceiling was white. The first thing I saw. White. Everything was silent for a moment. But that moment felt so long. It could've been hours for all I know. As my vision became less burly, I realized there were sounds. Lots of sounds. At first my mind couldn't figure out what it was. But then it became clearer. Beeping. Soft and loud footsteps. Voices. Some close, some far. Some were familiar, but others I had no idea. My head was throbbing pretty bad too. I could hear my heartbeat. The beeping matched it. It took a while for me to figure out what these things where, but I did it.
I was laying down on something soft, yet uncomterble. You guessed it, hospital bed. There was something stuck up my nose; breathing tubes.
After laying there for a while I heard a mumble. I think it said my name. But I couldn't really be sure because, to be honest, I couldn't remember my name at that point. But it sounded familiar. Something inside me ached for the mumble to come back, but all I got was a snort-ish sound, or a snore. I can't remember.
I looked away from the white ceiling. And there was.. a very dull hospital room. Things where making more sence. But I still can't remember what happened. The mumble came back. But this time it was louder and more clear. A voice. A familiar voice. "-----------you-----? can-------?"
That's all I remember the voice saying. Or that's all I got from it. I really don't know. I'm so confused right now. All I remember is those two words, and it was high pitched. Definatly a girl.

Everything after that is blank.

Then I saw the white ceiling again. Things made more sence this time around. Seth was mumbling by my bed, holding my hand. It took a moment, and I had some serious pins and needles, but I finaly managed to hold his hand. He looked at me then. He looked so hopeful. And sleepy. He needed to shave, to. How long has it been?
"hey" I forced myself to say. My voice sounded dry and weak. He smiled. Dispite how crappy he looked right then, it was beautiful. I felt myself smile back. He looked so happy.
The rest of the gang was there to, surpizingly. That bit was confusing. I put aside all questions and just went along with their happiness. My chest really hurts. So I just layed down the whole time. Excepte when I had to hug people. They wouldn't stop with the hugs! I love hugs and all, but seriously guys!
Blair was the one who I wanted hugs from the most though. I know she was pissed about me leaving because we had so many plans of seeing the world, doing all these things together. I feel bad, but when I saw her face to see me awake it felt so good. I knew she was cool with it for that moment. When I held out my arms for a hug, she accepted without hesitation. I whispered "I missed you and love you, you know that right?" and she smiled ever so slightly and said "I'm going to kill you if you scare me like that again, you know that right?" I laughed slightly and nodded. No one heard our little conversation but us.

I had to talk to the doc to. He said I need to stay for another night. But all I really care about right now is not eatting weird hospital food. I can't wait to get out, but I also want to stay. It's nice for once that everyone cared about my well-being. Weird, but nice. Nice weird :)
My fingers are numb and it's acctually taking me a very long time to write this. But I like writing things down, it helps me make more sence of what I'm thinking. Everyone's eatting or sleeping, I guess they had a long trip. Haha it's kinda funny seeing everyone curled up in plastic chairs together, or sitting on the floor stuffing down nasty food (Two-bit.)

Anyway, thanks for being there everyone :) I'm going to take a nap because I'm so tired.
love you all,
Carson

seth again

2010-01-21T12:18:00.000-08:00

She's getting worse. I've gotten some sleep though, but pretty much only 'cause the doc gave me some meds. He says I needta get it together or else I'll be hospitalized soon. We're in Salem, Massachusetts (I think that's spelled right) if anyone wants to know. I don't know what to do man..

i don't even know

2010-01-19T13:56:00.000-08:00

Hey guys. It's Seth just to let ya'll know. Car leaves her username and password on my laptop because she's too lazy to type it in everyday, so that's how I'm writing this. I'm on here because Carson's in a coma. I wasn't gonna leave her the other night, but we really needed food and she hasn't been eatting much lately. (it was the day she found out about her mom) When I came back, she was tottally wasted. She said ever since she heard about Pony she wouldn't drink a drop of alcohol, and got rid of any trace we had (which was only a bottle of beer). I still don't know where she got all that booze, but I don't think I should worry about that too much right now.
Anyway, when I walked in she was rambling on and on about how no one gives a shit about her, that she ruined her brother's and father's lives and all that junk. She was also crying and screaming and throwing shit all over the place. I've never seen her act like that, I was so scared man. I tried to hold her down, but she punched me awful hard in the chest and left a bruise. I stumbled back and she grabbed a knife and I yelled at her to stop and tried to get it from her, but she stabbed herself in the chest.
Doc said she missed her heart, but pierced her left lung and lost a lot of blood. They patched her up real good but she's still out. I'm so worried man. I haven't slept at all. Carson might wake up again. Oh yea, I didn't mention she woke up at one point. It was only for 5 minutes and she didn't say anything, but her eyes where open and she was looking at me. Doctor says she probably won't make it, but she's a tough girl, she's just gotta wake up.. right?

guilt

2010-01-14T12:39:00.000-08:00

Ok, so first off I've desided I'm coming home for the wedding, and to help with Blair's baby's nursery. Then once Blair's due date comes up, I'm going to be home. I don't care if I ain't a real blood-reletive, I'm going to be there for every step of this baby's life.

I called home today. I wanted to talk to Steve. I'm always making fun of him but, he's my big bro, I love him more then anyone else can, and I hate him just as much.
Anyway, dad answered. Which is surpizing, since he either turns the volume off or yells at us to answer it. He sounded a tad excited when he said hello, I figure he was on a good buzz or something. "where's Steve?" I asked, not trying to hide my annoyence with my fathers existence. "Steve ain't here." he sounded sad, I don't know why. He was the one who probably screamed at Steve to get out. I said "see ya" and was just about to hang up, when my dad pleaded, acctually pleaded for me to not hang up. So I listened to what he had to say. He kept going on about how he fucked up raising us (you got that right.) and how much he really cares about us. I asked him why he treats us like shit, and he said I look just like my mom did, and he sees too much of himself in Steve. I don't believe the Steve bit. Steve isn't a drunken douche, Steve's..Steve?
Well I've never seen a picture of my mother, or rememeber her. I asked my dad what really happened to her. She apparently died giving birth to me. No wonder my dad seems to hate me most days, huh? He was explaining her to me, beautiful and carring. She was loyal, accepting, non-judmental. I really wish I could've met her. Dad said she was soft and sweet, but if you messed with someone she loved, she'd beat your ass down. She apparently loved Halloween to. Like me, she always had to decorate the house perfectly. Too scarey for little kids to even come within 3 houses of it. But once she had Steve, she toned it down to a fun acid trip and a half. Like Alice in Wonderland.
Her and dad were so in love, he tells me. She sounds so wonderful. Her, dad and Steve was the perfect family. I assume they were like the Curtis's before their parents died. I feel like it's my fault Steve has a horrible home life. If he knew he'd probably hate me. It's my fault our family is shit. It's my fault my mother's dead.
I hung up after using 5 quarters on the payphone, telling dad I didn't have any left. But I did. I can't bare to talk to him knowing I killed the love of his life. I haven't cried like this since I was 4. Maybe younger. I don't desever to live right now. My life killed my mother's. She should be alive, not me.

I don't really want to come back. To see Steve and my dad. And I'm starting to feel like I ditched ya'll. Since everyone started going through drama when I left. Do I deserve you guys? Probably not. And with what Blair's saying that I'll just leave again is making my crying worse. Seth is trying to cheer me up but it's not working.
Carson

happiness

2010-01-11T16:08:00.000-08:00

It's weird. I'm not afraid. I thought I would be, not seeing the gang everyday, not being comferted by normal life. The only thing I'm afraid of is Pony's problem with Sherri, and.. well not really anything. Pretty just what the gang's going through in their lives.
But now I don't need to worry about the Socs when I walk alone. Not my father when I'm home late or when he's drunk. I should be afraid of other gangs, being mugged, sleeping in dark alleys, or being found by the cops and sent home or put in a orphanage somewhere. But I'm not scared. I'm happy. Waking up full of adrenaline, excited of what I'm going to see that day.
Seth says he can see a little more life in me everyday. We've also become a lot closer. I don't want to come home. But I know I will eventually. Just not yet. I'm going to live a little more. I'll come back for Soda's wedding, to help Blair with her baby's nursery, and whenever the gang needs me, like absolutly needs me.

I can't picture my life without Seth anymore. I'm going to marry that boy some day. I love him so much, and he loves me. He acctually took me into one of New York's most expencive jewlary stores, pointed out the most beautiful ring I've ever seen, and told me he'd put it on my finger one day. I asked him how he knew that would be the one I liked best, he simply shruged and said "I just did".
He makes me so happy. I don't think I've been this happy, ever, in my life. Sure, those sleepovers with Blair when we were 8 and laughed uncontroably about nothing in general where some of the best moments in my life, but nothing amounts to the happiness I've been feeling lately. Like Seth put it, I'm alive a little more everyday. This trip away from home is exactly what I need.

Carson

bill nye the science guy

2010-01-10T10:24:00.000-08:00

Wow. You guys don't even know my dissapointment with the world right now. I've just learned that Bill Nye the Science Guy is an actor. Not a science guy. I'm so depressed now. Like, I've completely died on the inside.
I just wanted to share that with you. Nothing special has really happened compared to that.

Carson

the bus station

2010-01-08T09:39:00.000-08:00

We're in a train station. Seth's gone to get the tickets. We bummed some cash on the streets yesterday. I mean, we brought money with us, but we don't want to spend to much of it at once incase we can't get any from anyone. I didn't eat much today, or yesterday. It's snowing and it's really cold. We couldn't find a laundry mat so our clothes look really shitty. We both brought 3 pairs of jeans, 5 shirts and a jacket. I left everything else at home because I don't want to be weighed down. The only thing besides clothes and cash Seth brought was this laptop. He wanted to make sure his parents didn't think he hated them or that he's dead.

It's so exciting. Not knowing where we're going to be sleeping next, if we'll be on the streets or in a heated room. I've slept on the streets once or twice before, but Seth hasn't. He's always known where he'd be sleeping at night, and that he'd have food in the morning. In a way I have to, either home, Blair's, or the Curtis's. I just didn't know which one. Now all I know is that I'll be with Seth.

I don't know where we're going. Seth doesn't either. He's going to get the cheapest tickets for today. Hopefully somewhere warmer. California would be fun, but that's to far away. Maybe New Jersey or wherever that show about cakes is filmed. I really want a cupcake. And a smoke. Haven't had one since we left home. It's about the only thing I'm unhappy with right now.
Also today I meet a hobo named Steven. He's maybe mid 30's with thick, dark, curly hair. He also was wearing a jeans jacket and Chucks. My future brother everyone :]

Seth's back and wants to e-mail his parents. I miss you guys
Carson

dirty motels

2010-01-03T16:17:00.000-08:00

I'm in Portland, Maine. Don't ask me how I got here, or why I'm here. I'm just here, in a shitty motel. It's really cold, and the heating in here doesn't work. But I have some blankets and a coat so I'll be fine.
I won't be getting home any time soon. I won't have much more internet access after tonight.
I'd just like to say congrats Darry, you deserve getting into college. Sorry I can't come to your party.

Carson

boom, boom, boom. i want ya in my room

2010-01-01T19:01:00.000-08:00

I'm chillin' at Blair's aunts for the night. Thought I'd give Seth a break of seeing my face.
We're currently watching the Shinning by Steven King. Blair's sending shivers up my spin from saying red rum way to well. And the opening credits. Creepy shit man. Creepy shit.

Blair just said I'm ditching Seth to be the baby daddy. She said it like that fucking little boy. I should've never showed her this movie. Fuck. Oh well it's better then "IM GONNA FUCKING SCREW AROUND WITH WHOEVER THE FUCK I WANT WHENEVER I WANT BECAUSE IM A SINGLE BITCH!! AND FUCK FACE CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT."

Blair's making fun of me because I accidentaly let it slip that I think Tom Cruise is hot.
....................................................................................................................................................................

I'm kinda pissed about Johnny leaving. Jamie and Brooke wanting to leave. Dally being a douche. Kristi being a little skank. The only people I'm happy at right now are Seth, Darry, KittyKat, Soda and Katie, Two-bit and maybe Steve. Probably not because he's Steve.
I really wanted to post but now I don't know why because i don't know what to say. Mostly that I'm peed at life a tad bit right now. And now Seth's going off to check out collages and shit. Well, in March.

La la la, Seth Seth Seth. He is my sunshine, my only sunshine. He makes me happy when skies are gray. You'll never know dear, how much I love him. Please don't take my sunshine away. :D .. :( Blair hit me.
Blair says I'm a pantsy ass lovey dovey idiot. And should become a bitter man hating women, like herself. But I don't feel like being a butch lesbian right now. Maybe later.
So the other night we were hanging out in his room and it started getting all steamy and such. I've already told him once that I love him and he said he loves me too. We've only said it that one time to each other. But that night he said it again. It makes me feel awfuly good. Anyway, what I was getting at was it late and no one was home. And.. I don't know how to word it.. soo.. We had sex. My first time. Horay. I feel like a prude because even Pony wan't a virgin before me. Oh well. It wasn't perfect, but I'm glad he was my first. I'm not going to be dalousional and say I'm gonna be with him forever and have his babies. Don't get me wrong, I'd quiet enjoy being with Seth forever, but that ain't gonna happen. I'm not a dumb bitch.

I'm buying Blair's kid a pimped out big wheel. Because they are the shit. and if it's a girl I think we're naming it Larkin and not Addison (sorry Jamie).
haha the mom in this movie sounds like Mickey Mouse.
If it's a boy I want to name it Jayden or Brayden. ok never mind that sounds like two annoying preppy soc twins.
Blair's yelling at me in her creepy voice to get off because she wants to make cookies. Or sandwiches. One of the two.
Carson

because you and me will always be friends

2009-12-28T18:08:00.000-08:00

I just thought I'd clear up any uncertainties.

...also.. that's Seth's little sister's shirt..

i'm not alive if i'm lonely

2009-12-28T13:23:00.000-08:00

That's Seth. He's 17. We were hangin' out at the football feild and I was playing with his camera. He was all mad at me at first but I convinced him he looks hot so he let me keep it :P

So, I think I'll tell you a bit about him..
He's a fan of classic rock music and heavy metal. He says his favorite song is a tie between Led Zeppelin's Ramble On and Traveling Riverside Blues. He possibly watches Oprah, but I'm not sure yet. I think I heard it going the other day but he said his mom left it on. And she wasn't home. He makes lot of crude comments, and is pretty interested in after-life but refuses to think anything religon. Seth is TERRIFIED of flying, which is kinda comical.

Seth values his family and their safety more than anything else. It's so sweet. I hope he feels like that towards me some day. He wont tell me his feelings very much, because he's a stupid boy and doesn't like sharing. So I have to trick this kinda stuff outta him.

He's super sweet but trys to cover it up around other people with his badass-ness. Which is fine with me. As long as he's still true to me and doesn't treat me like shit.

I really really like him. I've never felt this way about any other guy. I love the boys and all, but like brothers. The way I love Steve. But I'm in love with Seth. I think. I'm not sure what in love feels like. But if love feels better then this, I'm welcoming it with open arms.

Carson

cohen the furball

2009-12-26T18:54:00.000-08:00

Sitting here with a furball on my lap while Seth helps his dad with something or other. His fokes are letting me hang out here for as long as I need. When I got over here last night they wouldn't let my 'I ran into a stop sign and fell into the ditch' excuse slide for the bruises on my face and arms from my dad. Sooooo their making Seth sleep on the couch and I get his bed. It's so incredibly comfy! Even though the furball sleeps on my face. And eats my hair.
Seth's mom owns a little coffee shop and she's getting me a job there since she knows I'm a drop out and doesn't want me roaming the streets when everyones in school (I didn't tell them most of my firends arn't in school).
I think I'm gonna hang out here for a week or so then see if my dad cares that I'm not home. Seth's parents are super ok with my being a grease and all. Their so nice, they remind me of the Curtis parents.

Well I'm going to catch some Z's
Carson

it's all make believe.. isn't it?

2009-12-25T17:52:00.000-08:00

Merry fuckin' Christmas.
Today I woke up and Steve wasn't home. Dad was in the living room drinking infront of the tv like he always is. He doesn't even try to hide his porn. Anyway I felt cheery because it's Christmas and all, so I said Merry Christmas to him. Guess what I got for a present? 3 beer bottles thrown at me and meny curses and yells for me to shut the fuck up and get out. So I just headed over to the Curtis's. We did the whole present unwrapping thing and Soda purpossed to Katie! It was so sweet. She cried, like all the movie sap purpose things.
That Sean guy that Brook's with came over and everyone told him to not hurt her. He better not. He would probably die a very horrible death if he did, and thats only from Dally.
So after Brook left we all just hung out. I was gonna stay the night then I just desided not to. I came back home to more shit from my dad but I ignored him and went to my room to listen to some music. I really wanted to call Seth and ask about his Christmas but he's middle class and his family actualy cares about him and wants him home for the holidays and he's probably busy.. I'll just go over tomorrow. It seems everyone in the gang has a person now. Excepte Darry and Johnny and Jamie. I think we should hook Darry up with someone. That'd be interesting.

Uhg that douche bag is yelling at me. I wish I could run away again but that was hell. I'm going over to Seth's and spending the night there. I might come back tomorrow.
Carson

sour candy

2009-12-15T15:13:00.000-08:00

Sorry i haven't posted in a while, haven't been much to say. well, acctually there has been. but i'm just to lazy.
well that date Blair forced me on was pure hell. when i first saw him i was hoping so bad he wasn't there for me. i swear i'm going to kill Blair soon. he was short, zit covered, and really liked bugs. no joke. he got all excited over a fucking spider. he wouldn;t shut up ever and kept cutting me off or correcting my grammer. i almost shoved my shoe down his little scranny throat. after about 10 long minutes of him going on about some random shit i got up to go to the bathroom, and climbed out the window. i REALLY hope i never see that unforenate kid again. ever. hes also really creepy with his big nerdy glasses. i don't know if his eyes were really that big or hes just blind or if he needed to see bugs easier.

well anyway when i was walking over to the DX to scream at Blair, i ran into this dude named Seth. he's so awesome, so i just hung out with him instead. we talked for hours about nothing and everything. i've been hanging out with him the past few days. i can talk to him about shit that i don't even like talking to Blair to, and i've known her my whole life. he just digs me, ya know? when i say something, he gets it, and when he says something, i get it. his hair is super black and silky and shins blue in the light. it's like Pony's and Soda's, tuff. Seth's got these deep brown eyes that glitter with amusement, but darken when hes thinking about something serious or if something bothers him or whatever.
this is getting a little awkward and i'm bored.. so.. byye

Carson

pain

2009-11-26T16:13:00.000-08:00

it wasn't the pain. maybe seeing myself bleed. whatever it was, i barely had enough will power to stop.
i was sitting around fiddling with my blade. making sure it was extra sharp. i accidently sliced my finger. i didn't feel anything, just watched the trinkle of blood flow down to my knuckle. i began thinking about what those sad bitches feel when they cut themselves. they obviously like it or just want attention. i was trying to keep it out of my mind, but all my thoughts always came back to it. eventualy i took a quick slice over my right leg just below my knee. the sharp pain only 2 seconds, then the blood came out. i did it again, slower, deeper. then again. and again. until 14. i kept telling myself it was wrong and stupid. it didnt feel good, and the pain lasted longer with every slice. but i couldnt stop myself. after ten minutes of watching myself bleed, i whipped my leg clean with toilet paper and flushed it down the toilet. i put on pajama pants and sat in my room. i can't believe i was that stupid to do it. everytime i glance down i have the urge to do it again. but i keep myself from doing it. my pants are stained and i put them in the dark corrners of my closet afraid someone will see. guess i'm not wearing shorts for awhile.

drop out

2009-11-21T09:12:00.000-08:00

Today i realized something very important. something very life changing. all my friends are horny teenagers. excepte for Darry. he may possibly be a virgin. and Ponyboy. everyone knows hes a virgin.
I also droped out on friday. my dad gave me a good beating for it. got a nice new cut on my face. but I dont care. the way i see it, school is me sitting there staring at a blank peice of paper for an hour and not knowing whats going on, and then ditching the rest of the day. or just not going at all. I could just go get a job and that would be more like, i dont know.. effective? something along those lines. i just .. don't know where to work.
I have a feeling Dally and Blair are going to start fucking each other on a regular basis. seeing couples makes me want to cut myself. i see them all the time. i don't need to see more.
I also really hate ;) faces. their so annoying. i don't know why, they just bug me.

Carson

monday's suck.

2009-11-14T21:04:00.000-08:00

Schools boring and pointless. I think I'm going to drop out soon.
Sometimes, I wonder how Sodapop can love life as much as he does when we've got it so bad. I kinda admire him a bit i guess. he just always puts the bad shit aside and looks on the bright side. seriously, i dont know how he does it. everywhere i look theres just more crap and bad things. i just can't explain it.

I thought i'd give church a try. i went and sat in the back. that fuck'n preist made me want to rip my god damn eyes out. he was going on about how God loves us all and shit. if god loves us all why am i shit poor with a dick father and no mom? why did there Curtis' parents die? why does Johnny get stuck with fucked parents when he's undenibly sweet? or does god only love people with money? what a douche. i left when they started singing for the 50th time.
ps. sorry if I happen to have offended anyone.
I just looked across the room and saw Steve with his intestins wrapped around his throat hanging him from the ceiling. I'm trying to shake the image from my mind, and i think i keep hearing the front door creaking open when it isnt. the thoughts are usualy easier to ignor when i'm with someone, but i'm all alone as it is. which is bad because i keep dewelling on it and more thoughts come and kinda stick in my head. one time when i was all alone i kept seeing clowns in the mirrors and i went to my bed and hid under the blanket listening to music trying to get to sleep. I can't believe I'm actualy going to willingly post this.

I'm off.
Carson

cheese whiz has latex acid.

2009-11-14T08:37:00.000-08:00

The Stereo's are horrible and Slipknot scares the shit outta me.

I was having an oh so refreshing smoke by the DX when a sickly happy couple came along. it was oddly slow today. usualy theres a bunch of skanks hanging off Soda. it was just me, and the middle class couple. they made me think of one of those songs that are all sad and lovey dovey bull shit. they were hanging off each other like they'd die if they werent touching. anyway, the point of this is that they made me feel real lonely. i mean, i dont want to be like those discusting couple that shun everything out of their lives, but it would be nice to know someone is there that loves you. unforenatly no boy wants me. not that i'd be able to hold onto a boyfriend for at least a few weeks anyway, he'd start to bug me and i'd just dump him. mostly i want to get laid. and be loved.
I'm stuffed full of chocolate cake and booze. horary for fat lards.
um, i don't know. I'm going to hang out with Blair. maybe.

Carson

intro

2009-11-13T19:50:00.000-08:00

This is my blog sorta thing..
intros are so awkward.

I live with my brother Steve. He's like 17 or something. i can't be damned to keep count. My so called dad is rarely home, and when he is he's always yellin' at us. i hate that man, so me and Steve spend most of my time at Curtis' house. I love the guys, their like siblings to me. Excepte Darrel, he's more like a father. And when i say father, i mean 'did you do your homework' 'no drinking underage' blah blah blah. of course i lie to him. He's the father i never had. And Sodapop and Stevey are besties for life.
I'm not a real people person. and by that i mean everyone in the world who isn't my friend makes me want to rip out their juggular vein and disembowel them with a spoon. I esspecialy hate socs bitches. they are the worst. and those whoreish girls who wear 50 pounds of make up and too short skirts. I don't really know why, people just make me really mad.
it's 12 on a Friday night and i have nothing better to do then write a blog. fuck my life. im going over to the Curtis's and probably will end up sleeping on their couch.

ta ta
Carson