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I think that's right.
Confessions of a Broken Heart
Fighting doesn't solve shit. The old me would've went and killed those sons of bitches. Now, fighting, causing someone pain, being supirior to them.. doesn't appeal to me like it use to. It wont get me a better home, better lives for my friends and family. Fighting wont keep douche guys from breaking my friends hearts. It wont make my dad sober and love me and Steve. It'll only get us jailed and hospitalized and killed.
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I said, Hey babe lets go for a walk.
It was dark out. Just nearly 11:30, so kinda early. We walked around downtown, just talking.
There was this gang. About 5 big guys. They started sayin' shit to me and Travis got all mad. He picked a fight, I fought to. They had switches, they pulled one on Travis. Neither of us had weapons. It was a dumbass move. Anyway, they were fightin' and I was tryin' to get the blade away from that one guy and then the air is filled with the sound of a gunshot.
Everyone went still. There was this one thud. My heart sank. I knew who it hit before I saw. The gang ran off. I rushed to Travis. He was just laying there. In his own puddle of blood that got bigger and bigger as the minutes ticked by. I fell to my knees and pulled him into my arms. His body was weak, but his eyes still flashed up to my face. Under his clothes, I felt his muscles, they were very tense and working hard to keep him up. Tears were streaming down my face. My gut told me this was it. It was his time. I fucking hated that feeling. I was helpless and couldn't end his suffering myself.
His eyes began to fade. His body got weaker and weaker. Then limp. His head fell back and the blood just kept ozing from his body. It was weird. Just holding him. I couldn't let go, I didn't want to. But holding him like that... To be holding something that was once so alive, that I've held many times, and has always been alert. Even when asleep, never this limp. He was just... gone. He didn't look asleep. He didn't look peaceful. His dead eyes were open and staring off while his mouth hung open slightly.
The cops eventually came. I couldn't talk to them. Just wrote down his parents phone number. I didn't know what I was gonna do. But I was taken home once his parents got there. I mean, home as in his place. They respected me and aloud me to just go to bed, in the morning I told them what happened.
I used to think I had it all together. I only could cry at night but no one saw me or heard so I was safe. During the daylight hours I'd be happy and fine. I used to think that, until Travis's mom gave me that hug. I don't tend to like hugs because they mean either goodbye or that something really bad had happened. When she hugged me, I broke. I fell right apart in her arms. I cried so hard I gave myself a migrain. I never felt like that before.
It doesn't even feel like he's gone. But at the same time it does. It hasn't been that long, but it feels like forever. When I close my eyes all I see is his dead body. It's so fucking clear. I try to think back on times when he was smiling, laughing, telling me his thoughts while he stared off into space.. it's hard though. I cry most of the time when I think about it. And he's pretty near the only thing I'm thinking of lately. It's barely been 3 months. Which isn't that long. But I really did love him. I could see us together until we were old and grey, shaking our fists at little kids screaming "YOU ROTTEN KIDS!". We were never going to get married, but we were going to get celtic tattoo rings to bind us together forever.
It was a terrible mothers day for his family. I can't imagine what his mom had to go through. I don't want to either.
I don't want any of that "ohmyshit I'm so sorry" crap. Because none of you did anything. It was that gang. But I don't know when I'll be home, or if I will come back. I'm sorry. I'm sorry all of you, but I don't know what to do. I need to clear my head. I love you all.
Carson, R.I.P. Travis.
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I said, Hey babe lets go for a walk.
It was dark out. Just nearly 11:30, so kinda early. We walked around downtown, just talking.
There was this gang. About 5 big guys. They started sayin' shit to me and Travis got all mad. He picked a fight, I fought to. They had switches, they pulled one on Travis. Neither of us had weapons. It was a dumbass move. Anyway, they were fightin' and I was tryin' to get the blade away from that one guy and then the air is filled with the sound of a gunshot.
Everyone went still. There was this one thud. My heart sank. I knew who it hit before I saw. The gang ran off. I rushed to Travis. He was just laying there. In his own puddle of blood that got bigger and bigger as the minutes ticked by. I fell to my knees and pulled him into my arms. His body was weak, but his eyes still flashed up to my face. Under his clothes, I felt his muscles, they were very tense and working hard to keep him up. Tears were streaming down my face. My gut told me this was it. It was his time. I fucking hated that feeling. I was helpless and couldn't end his suffering myself.
His eyes began to fade. His body got weaker and weaker. Then limp. His head fell back and the blood just kept ozing from his body. It was weird. Just holding him. I couldn't let go, I didn't want to. But holding him like that... To be holding something that was once so alive, that I've held many times, and has always been alert. Even when asleep, never this limp. He was just... gone. He didn't look asleep. He didn't look peaceful. His dead eyes were open and staring off while his mouth hung open slightly.
The cops eventually came. I couldn't talk to them. Just wrote down his parents phone number. I didn't know what I was gonna do. But I was taken home once his parents got there. I mean, home as in his place. They respected me and aloud me to just go to bed, in the morning I told them what happened.
I used to think I had it all together. I only could cry at night but no one saw me or heard so I was safe. During the daylight hours I'd be happy and fine. I used to think that, until Travis's mom gave me that hug. I don't tend to like hugs because they mean either goodbye or that something really bad had happened. When she hugged me, I broke. I fell right apart in her arms. I cried so hard I gave myself a migrain. I never felt like that before.
It doesn't even feel like he's gone. But at the same time it does. It hasn't been that long, but it feels like forever. When I close my eyes all I see is his dead body. It's so fucking clear. I try to think back on times when he was smiling, laughing, telling me his thoughts while he stared off into space.. it's hard though. I cry most of the time when I think about it. And he's pretty near the only thing I'm thinking of lately. It's barely been 3 months. Which isn't that long. But I really did love him. I could see us together until we were old and grey, shaking our fists at little kids screaming "YOU ROTTEN KIDS!". We were never going to get married, but we were going to get celtic tattoo rings to bind us together forever.
It was a terrible mothers day for his family. I can't imagine what his mom had to go through. I don't want to either.
I don't want any of that "ohmyshit I'm so sorry" crap. Because none of you did anything. It was that gang. But I don't know when I'll be home, or if I will come back. I'm sorry. I'm sorry all of you, but I don't know what to do. I need to clear my head. I love you all.
Carson, R.I.P. Travis.
My God, Are You Insane?
So it's Mothers Day. Why is this significant to a kid with no mom like myself? Well I don't really know. Every mothers day I would think about going and finding her, or trying to figure out where the hell she was or if she was dead. When I was smaller, I'd make her cards in class and hope she came around to get it. I was a naive little kid. I know now, after what happened in Maine with Seth and talking to my dad, that she isn't ever comming back.
I've desided to spend this day down in L.A. with Travis and his family. Since the Curtis's mom and Mathew's mom aren't around for me to say happy mothers day to. So I flew out this morning, made sure the my work knew I wouldn't be around the next few days, and had brunch with Travis and his family. I love them, their pretty damn epic. His dad is pretty much the coolest 47 year old dude I ever met to. He's big, not Darry big, chubby big. But he's not like obesse or anything. He's got thick dark hair and a go-tee. He never misses a beat with jokes, and cares about his kids. You can also see the love in his dark eyes when he looks at his wife. It's beautiful man. Beatiful and insanely sappy. Kat, Travis's mom, is beautiful. Her voice is soft, and she's very gental. I love how their family is loaded with cash, yet their close as can be. Unlike the socs that live in Tulsa. Maybe thats why Travis wont move up to be with me. Oh well, we're making it work.
It's Blair's first mothers day. I'm so happy for her. I was talking to her on the phone and she said he came home today. I'm sorry I missed it, but I'm glad I get to see Travis. I haven't smoked a single ciggerette all day either! I'm getting better, but I've been drinking lots of red wine. I don't know how great that is, but whatever. IT helps me sleep at night, and thats what they say isn't it? Whatever helps you sleep at night.
And! I'm off. I'll try to post again soon, I've been slacking lately.
Carson.
I've desided to spend this day down in L.A. with Travis and his family. Since the Curtis's mom and Mathew's mom aren't around for me to say happy mothers day to. So I flew out this morning, made sure the my work knew I wouldn't be around the next few days, and had brunch with Travis and his family. I love them, their pretty damn epic. His dad is pretty much the coolest 47 year old dude I ever met to. He's big, not Darry big, chubby big. But he's not like obesse or anything. He's got thick dark hair and a go-tee. He never misses a beat with jokes, and cares about his kids. You can also see the love in his dark eyes when he looks at his wife. It's beautiful man. Beatiful and insanely sappy. Kat, Travis's mom, is beautiful. Her voice is soft, and she's very gental. I love how their family is loaded with cash, yet their close as can be. Unlike the socs that live in Tulsa. Maybe thats why Travis wont move up to be with me. Oh well, we're making it work.
It's Blair's first mothers day. I'm so happy for her. I was talking to her on the phone and she said he came home today. I'm sorry I missed it, but I'm glad I get to see Travis. I haven't smoked a single ciggerette all day either! I'm getting better, but I've been drinking lots of red wine. I don't know how great that is, but whatever. IT helps me sleep at night, and thats what they say isn't it? Whatever helps you sleep at night.
And! I'm off. I'll try to post again soon, I've been slacking lately.
Carson.
Blood in the River
Blair was let out of the hospital. Blaze is still in, we can't see him. Only Two-bit, Jamie and Dallas. I'm glad their both ok. I make Blair tell me everything the doc says about him.
Evie, Blair and I are still living together with Shr!mp. And since Evie is still fat and Blair is working on the nursery, I've been running with Shr!mp whever I can. He's HUUUGE now. I swear he weighs more then me. But he's such a loveable gental thing that he is very good and doesn't rip my arm off when he sees another dog. He'll be good with the babies.
Speaking of babies. Bri's knocked up to. And getting married to Darry. But I don't think Darry should go through with it anymore. He's always been loyal and loved Bri, and she goes and fucks Dallas. I love my cousin and all, but she doesn't deserve Darry after this. Just like how I don't think Dallas deserves Blair.
Every night when I get home from a shift at the Dingo, I make sure Evie and Blair have fed themselves, ask about Blaze, call Travis, talk to him for a few hours, and then have a glass of red wine. I don't know why, because I hate wine, but I've been drinking a lot of it. After one glass it helps me sleep. Then I wake up, take Shr!mp out, come home and shower, go to work and do it all over again.
I don't really know what else to say. Nothing else has really been happening. I'm down to 2 smokes a day, its fucking horrible. I have one smoke break durring work, and have another when my shift is done. i've been getting irritated at customers easier, and have yelled at Timothy Shepard more then once. O well. Also, I really like Travis, it just hurts that he's far away. And! I dyed my hair. I thought it was time for a good change, since things around are changing a lot. I thought, what the hell. Now guess whos a wannabe ginger?
-Carson
Evie, Blair and I are still living together with Shr!mp. And since Evie is still fat and Blair is working on the nursery, I've been running with Shr!mp whever I can. He's HUUUGE now. I swear he weighs more then me. But he's such a loveable gental thing that he is very good and doesn't rip my arm off when he sees another dog. He'll be good with the babies.
Speaking of babies. Bri's knocked up to. And getting married to Darry. But I don't think Darry should go through with it anymore. He's always been loyal and loved Bri, and she goes and fucks Dallas. I love my cousin and all, but she doesn't deserve Darry after this. Just like how I don't think Dallas deserves Blair.
Every night when I get home from a shift at the Dingo, I make sure Evie and Blair have fed themselves, ask about Blaze, call Travis, talk to him for a few hours, and then have a glass of red wine. I don't know why, because I hate wine, but I've been drinking a lot of it. After one glass it helps me sleep. Then I wake up, take Shr!mp out, come home and shower, go to work and do it all over again.
I don't really know what else to say. Nothing else has really been happening. I'm down to 2 smokes a day, its fucking horrible. I have one smoke break durring work, and have another when my shift is done. i've been getting irritated at customers easier, and have yelled at Timothy Shepard more then once. O well. Also, I really like Travis, it just hurts that he's far away. And! I dyed my hair. I thought it was time for a good change, since things around are changing a lot. I thought, what the hell. Now guess whos a wannabe ginger?
-Carson
Mornin' Whores.
Today, I woke up next to this guy. It was a pretty hard core night last night. Anyway, this blond guy was kinda cute. His name was... I can't remember. I can't remember anything from last night. After he went home and my hangover was past, Jamie brought her new boyfriend over. It was the same Brayden guy I had slept with. FML.
-Carson
P.S.
It was a joke D: I spoke with Brayden before and he said he'd go along with it. Jamie failed at getting mad though.
-Carson
P.S.
It was a joke D: I spoke with Brayden before and he said he'd go along with it. Jamie failed at getting mad though.
Hospitals, TeaPots and All That Fun Jazz.
Two-bit's my bestie forever and always. I love him to death. When I called to tell someone I was in the hospital I called him, and he came with a 'get well' helium balloon. We have fun trying to toss it back and forth :D. I only wanted Two-bit there at first, because, well. I look like shit. Kitty was a little resentful at letting me spend time with my Tibby but I got him >:] hehe.
Anywho. Me and Mr. Mathews harrassed the hospital staff when I had the energy to do so. If not, he did :D. It was quiet histerical. When he fell asleep on the little cusioned chair, he was all cute and curled up looking. People look younger then they are sleeping, and its funny as hell when a tough greaser is all curled up mummbling the "I'm a little tea" song over and over. He started doing the actions but fell off the chair xD. He was like "WHOA! what happened?!" and I was like "Mickey Mouse came to visit you but you where sleeping so he went back to Disney." and Two-bit cried "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" and proceeded to run out of the room. I heard him screaming for Mickey for about a half hour. hehe. Two-bit you make me pee my pants with happy laughter. I'm sorry you weren't in my last post D:.
Kitty, your a lucky little cupcake. You managed to get a hold on this great guy who I'm proud to call my BESSSSST FRIIIEND!!!!. Don't let him go. He's fuckin' epic man. Tibby, Car loves you :D. You make me smile when I'm in pain, or when I'm upset. You always know when to crack the right joke. And your the best shoplifter I know :D. Even if you're slightly insain, thats ok, everyone else is to. But I love you and you know it :D.
So heres what happened. I was being all stupid and cocky. I've had it with these dumbass socs that think they can just walk all over us. I'm done with them hurting my friends. I'm tired of the jump stories. I'm fustrated with seeing innocent kids be scared to walk alone. FUCK. So I took my heater and switch, and marched my ass right into the socs territory. It was dusk by the time I got there. No one was really around. I walked until I saw 5 dark shadows headed toward me.
I don't remember much of the shit that happened. I remember being in a lot of pain. The crack of the gun as it went off, I just don't remember who it hit. I recived a few stab wounds, one might be a bullet but I'm all patched up now and too lazy to ask. I've got a sprained wrist and a few broken fingers, and something about my leg is really soar. Sigh. Theres also bandages on my head. Tibby made fun of them D:.
But yea, it was 5 on 1. Not fair, but I knew I could take them. One was kinda little (although compaired to my 5'2 1/2 height, he was big.)They were also kinda high, or stoned, or whatever. The point is that their brain wasn't working correctly. It all happened pretty fast. My adrenaline was pumping. Just like a rumble, just with less people. They had blades on them to. I remember that the start of the fight was mostly talk. Then one shoved me and I went off the edge. I screamed at them and started attacking them. I don't remember leaving the spot. Actualy, the last thing I remember is laying on the ground, with a heavy weight on my chest. Sigh. I
'm never going to be able to show my face again. I've lost a fight. I think thats one of the first I've lost. FUCK. And it was to get back at them to! uhg!
When I woke up, my vision was blurry. I was like "hey man, this has so happened before!" I waited for a moment, letting my eyes adjust and looked around. I must say, I was honestly dissappointed to only see a nurse. My heart acctually sank. Seth. Yea, that was the first thing to think of. I kicked myself mentaly in the ass for not thinking of Travis.
Anyhow. Nurse was all "my name is Amy blah blah blah". I wasn't really listening. She kept asking for my name and I didn't want to talk to her, because 1) isn't there some terrible nurse named Amy? and 2) I was too depressed about my previous Seth thought. After about 5 minutes I finally screamed at her to let me have a phone. My voice kinda hurt to project like that, I musta been hit in the throat. She quickly got me a phone and this is where I called my Tibby. He was with Kit but he came to see me for a few hours. I love you Tibby :D.
And you already know how it went thanks to the top of my post. I hurt so I'm gonna rest after I yell at the nurse to leave me alone and let me out. ta ta.
BUT! before I sign off. Kit, you and your mom always said shit happens for a reason. I'd just like to know, from anyone, why the hell am I in a hospital?
Carson.
Anywho. Me and Mr. Mathews harrassed the hospital staff when I had the energy to do so. If not, he did :D. It was quiet histerical. When he fell asleep on the little cusioned chair, he was all cute and curled up looking. People look younger then they are sleeping, and its funny as hell when a tough greaser is all curled up mummbling the "I'm a little tea" song over and over. He started doing the actions but fell off the chair xD. He was like "WHOA! what happened?!" and I was like "Mickey Mouse came to visit you but you where sleeping so he went back to Disney." and Two-bit cried "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" and proceeded to run out of the room. I heard him screaming for Mickey for about a half hour. hehe. Two-bit you make me pee my pants with happy laughter. I'm sorry you weren't in my last post D:.
Kitty, your a lucky little cupcake. You managed to get a hold on this great guy who I'm proud to call my BESSSSST FRIIIEND!!!!. Don't let him go. He's fuckin' epic man. Tibby, Car loves you :D. You make me smile when I'm in pain, or when I'm upset. You always know when to crack the right joke. And your the best shoplifter I know :D. Even if you're slightly insain, thats ok, everyone else is to. But I love you and you know it :D.
So heres what happened. I was being all stupid and cocky. I've had it with these dumbass socs that think they can just walk all over us. I'm done with them hurting my friends. I'm tired of the jump stories. I'm fustrated with seeing innocent kids be scared to walk alone. FUCK. So I took my heater and switch, and marched my ass right into the socs territory. It was dusk by the time I got there. No one was really around. I walked until I saw 5 dark shadows headed toward me.
I don't remember much of the shit that happened. I remember being in a lot of pain. The crack of the gun as it went off, I just don't remember who it hit. I recived a few stab wounds, one might be a bullet but I'm all patched up now and too lazy to ask. I've got a sprained wrist and a few broken fingers, and something about my leg is really soar. Sigh. Theres also bandages on my head. Tibby made fun of them D:.
But yea, it was 5 on 1. Not fair, but I knew I could take them. One was kinda little (although compaired to my 5'2 1/2 height, he was big.)They were also kinda high, or stoned, or whatever. The point is that their brain wasn't working correctly. It all happened pretty fast. My adrenaline was pumping. Just like a rumble, just with less people. They had blades on them to. I remember that the start of the fight was mostly talk. Then one shoved me and I went off the edge. I screamed at them and started attacking them. I don't remember leaving the spot. Actualy, the last thing I remember is laying on the ground, with a heavy weight on my chest. Sigh. I
'm never going to be able to show my face again. I've lost a fight. I think thats one of the first I've lost. FUCK. And it was to get back at them to! uhg!
When I woke up, my vision was blurry. I was like "hey man, this has so happened before!" I waited for a moment, letting my eyes adjust and looked around. I must say, I was honestly dissappointed to only see a nurse. My heart acctually sank. Seth. Yea, that was the first thing to think of. I kicked myself mentaly in the ass for not thinking of Travis.
Anyhow. Nurse was all "my name is Amy blah blah blah". I wasn't really listening. She kept asking for my name and I didn't want to talk to her, because 1) isn't there some terrible nurse named Amy? and 2) I was too depressed about my previous Seth thought. After about 5 minutes I finally screamed at her to let me have a phone. My voice kinda hurt to project like that, I musta been hit in the throat. She quickly got me a phone and this is where I called my Tibby. He was with Kit but he came to see me for a few hours. I love you Tibby :D.
And you already know how it went thanks to the top of my post. I hurt so I'm gonna rest after I yell at the nurse to leave me alone and let me out. ta ta.
BUT! before I sign off. Kit, you and your mom always said shit happens for a reason. I'd just like to know, from anyone, why the hell am I in a hospital?
Carson.
I'm Not Crazy, I'm Just A Little Unwell.
So, the past however long has been weird. I’ve lost track of time (like always) and just HOPE I can remember what all happened.
First I’ll say, Easter was a blast, the club was fun, Jamie’s birthday was epic. And the party was even better. I had helped Blair plan the whole thing since Christmas.
Jamie, Evie, Blair and I are all living together now. At the old Mathew’s house. Jamie’s my favourite though. She’s never sick or having pregnant times like Blair and Evie. All they do is be moody. I’m converting Two-bit’s room into my room. Its gonna be all decked out like Mickey Mouse and shit :D. Just because. But I’m thinking of running away to the Curtis’s and living as a refugee, like I used to when I was living with dad and Steve.
And I got little Blaze his first present. :D. It’s a little stuffed.. Thing. I think its adorable. His name is Ox.
I’ve even been trying to quit smoking for Blaze and my nephew and Soda and Katie’s babies. :D. it’s a shit hard thing but I’ve managed down to just 4 or 5 a day, depending if I’m with Travis or not. Oh speaking of Travis, he still lives in L.A. but he visits every other week to be with me. We’re right chill now. We had a little fight a few weeks ago. I called him, I yelled, he cursed. I cried, he apologized. But I hung up and cried myself to sleep. Next thing I know is I’m prying my eyes open from a deep sleep and he’s laying there. He looked so exhausted but he took my breath away. But he couldn’t stay too long. We talked for hours, laughed and cried. We got so close in those short hours. I couldn’t stand to have him leave when he had to. But we made love and he left me his beaten, old army green jacket in exchange for my over sized Hedley concert t shirt.
I didn’t cry when he got on the plane, because I don’t cry in public. But I went home and got Steve to take me hubcap stealing. Steve, I don’t think you know this but you’re the best big brother a Carson could ever ask for. The rest of the day Steve showed me quick ways to get the hubcaps off, break into cars without the alarms going off, and so on. You know Steve, I love it when we spend time just you and me. I feel like since Evie and I ran away with Seth we’ve drifted apart. I love you big bro, we used to be so tight when we both lived with dad. You protected me from his assholeness even if it meant getting you kicked out as well. It was a great day. I grew closer to two boys in my life that mean soooooo much to me. Or at least reconnected with darling Steve. XD I love you bro, don’t forget that.
I’ve started working at the Dingo. You know, to fill up my time and pay for shit I want and need. They make me wear a little pink thing and a hat. It’s great money, and the greasy kids that come in are fun conversation. It keeps me up with who’s going with who, who got arrested for what and why, who’s left their homes and so on. My first day training was basically out back, I learned how to carry things on big plates while wearing my roller-skates. (yea, part of my uniform is roller-skates. Epic, right?) Tim Sheppard’s outfit hangs out at the Dingo a lot more though. That’s cool, me and Curly are like BFF’s! (someone kill me for saying that.) I yell at Tim a lot because he doesn’t change his clothes as much as I would like. He just doesn’t seem to care about his hygiene like normal people. Even though he’s a shit broke greaser like the rest of us, and that I dig the kid, he needs to change his clothes. Just. Tim. Change. That’s all I want from your ass. And tell your gang to stop looking down my shirt. I don’t appreciate it much.
I took Cristy-Crunch to get her septum pierced. (no, not the one in your heart. On your nose.) she made me hold her hand. Haha. that’s ok, Jeff (piercing artist) is the shit and doesn’t care about that. While she was paying I talked to Shaun about my latest tattoo idea. He loves it. Have yall read Tupac’s poem “The Rose That Grew From Concrete”? Well, I want a rose that looks like its growing in, or beside some train tracks. The tracks representing our side of town, the rose; our gang. Society said we’d all grow up to be dropouts, criminals, drug addicts, ect. Well, the only real criminal is Dallas, and he ain’t THAT bad. Sure a few of us dropped out, but Soda did it for his family, Blair was only expelled. But look at Pony, Jamie, Jelly and Darry. Their goin’ places with their smarts. And everyone else, I’m sure will move mountains. Yall are good people. Don’t forget that. Your all beautiful and amazing in your own ways. And I never wanna forget you guys, wherever and however we end up. We’re all still alive and good, not innocent, but you know what I mean, right? Like the rose that grew from concrete; we had it rough, but we’re still together. We made it through the awkward stages of growing up, losing family, deaths of friends, jail time here and there, runaways, heart break. But we’re all good, and about to experience new family, new jobs, new homes. It’s gonna be fucking great and I can’t wait.
Now on a more depressing note. KitKat, Johnny and Jelly are in the hospital. And Brookie. They fucking jumped her and scared me shitless when she didn't come home. Fucking socs thinking their all great and whatnot. I swore I’d kill the son-of-a-bitches but I don’t know who the hell they are. Those fucking socs are gonna be killed. First Im taking the kiddies some good sugary food, then off to kill the socs. I’m taking a loaded heater and switch blade. I’ll call if I get jailed.
Carson.
First I’ll say, Easter was a blast, the club was fun, Jamie’s birthday was epic. And the party was even better. I had helped Blair plan the whole thing since Christmas.
Jamie, Evie, Blair and I are all living together now. At the old Mathew’s house. Jamie’s my favourite though. She’s never sick or having pregnant times like Blair and Evie. All they do is be moody. I’m converting Two-bit’s room into my room. Its gonna be all decked out like Mickey Mouse and shit :D. Just because. But I’m thinking of running away to the Curtis’s and living as a refugee, like I used to when I was living with dad and Steve.
And I got little Blaze his first present. :D. It’s a little stuffed.. Thing. I think its adorable. His name is Ox.
I’ve even been trying to quit smoking for Blaze and my nephew and Soda and Katie’s babies. :D. it’s a shit hard thing but I’ve managed down to just 4 or 5 a day, depending if I’m with Travis or not. Oh speaking of Travis, he still lives in L.A. but he visits every other week to be with me. We’re right chill now. We had a little fight a few weeks ago. I called him, I yelled, he cursed. I cried, he apologized. But I hung up and cried myself to sleep. Next thing I know is I’m prying my eyes open from a deep sleep and he’s laying there. He looked so exhausted but he took my breath away. But he couldn’t stay too long. We talked for hours, laughed and cried. We got so close in those short hours. I couldn’t stand to have him leave when he had to. But we made love and he left me his beaten, old army green jacket in exchange for my over sized Hedley concert t shirt.
I didn’t cry when he got on the plane, because I don’t cry in public. But I went home and got Steve to take me hubcap stealing. Steve, I don’t think you know this but you’re the best big brother a Carson could ever ask for. The rest of the day Steve showed me quick ways to get the hubcaps off, break into cars without the alarms going off, and so on. You know Steve, I love it when we spend time just you and me. I feel like since Evie and I ran away with Seth we’ve drifted apart. I love you big bro, we used to be so tight when we both lived with dad. You protected me from his assholeness even if it meant getting you kicked out as well. It was a great day. I grew closer to two boys in my life that mean soooooo much to me. Or at least reconnected with darling Steve. XD I love you bro, don’t forget that.
I’ve started working at the Dingo. You know, to fill up my time and pay for shit I want and need. They make me wear a little pink thing and a hat. It’s great money, and the greasy kids that come in are fun conversation. It keeps me up with who’s going with who, who got arrested for what and why, who’s left their homes and so on. My first day training was basically out back, I learned how to carry things on big plates while wearing my roller-skates. (yea, part of my uniform is roller-skates. Epic, right?) Tim Sheppard’s outfit hangs out at the Dingo a lot more though. That’s cool, me and Curly are like BFF’s! (someone kill me for saying that.) I yell at Tim a lot because he doesn’t change his clothes as much as I would like. He just doesn’t seem to care about his hygiene like normal people. Even though he’s a shit broke greaser like the rest of us, and that I dig the kid, he needs to change his clothes. Just. Tim. Change. That’s all I want from your ass. And tell your gang to stop looking down my shirt. I don’t appreciate it much.
I took Cristy-Crunch to get her septum pierced. (no, not the one in your heart. On your nose.) she made me hold her hand. Haha. that’s ok, Jeff (piercing artist) is the shit and doesn’t care about that. While she was paying I talked to Shaun about my latest tattoo idea. He loves it. Have yall read Tupac’s poem “The Rose That Grew From Concrete”? Well, I want a rose that looks like its growing in, or beside some train tracks. The tracks representing our side of town, the rose; our gang. Society said we’d all grow up to be dropouts, criminals, drug addicts, ect. Well, the only real criminal is Dallas, and he ain’t THAT bad. Sure a few of us dropped out, but Soda did it for his family, Blair was only expelled. But look at Pony, Jamie, Jelly and Darry. Their goin’ places with their smarts. And everyone else, I’m sure will move mountains. Yall are good people. Don’t forget that. Your all beautiful and amazing in your own ways. And I never wanna forget you guys, wherever and however we end up. We’re all still alive and good, not innocent, but you know what I mean, right? Like the rose that grew from concrete; we had it rough, but we’re still together. We made it through the awkward stages of growing up, losing family, deaths of friends, jail time here and there, runaways, heart break. But we’re all good, and about to experience new family, new jobs, new homes. It’s gonna be fucking great and I can’t wait.
Now on a more depressing note. KitKat, Johnny and Jelly are in the hospital. And Brookie. They fucking jumped her and scared me shitless when she didn't come home. Fucking socs thinking their all great and whatnot. I swore I’d kill the son-of-a-bitches but I don’t know who the hell they are. Those fucking socs are gonna be killed. First Im taking the kiddies some good sugary food, then off to kill the socs. I’m taking a loaded heater and switch blade. I’ll call if I get jailed.
Carson.
