it wasn't the pain. maybe seeing myself bleed. whatever it was, i barely had enough will power to stop.
i was sitting around fiddling with my blade. making sure it was extra sharp. i accidently sliced my finger. i didn't feel anything, just watched the trinkle of blood flow down to my knuckle. i began thinking about what those sad bitches feel when they cut themselves. they obviously like it or just want attention. i was trying to keep it out of my mind, but all my thoughts always came back to it. eventualy i took a quick slice over my right leg just below my knee. the sharp pain only 2 seconds, then the blood came out. i did it again, slower, deeper. then again. and again. until 14. i kept telling myself it was wrong and stupid. it didnt feel good, and the pain lasted longer with every slice. but i couldnt stop myself. after ten minutes of watching myself bleed, i whipped my leg clean with toilet paper and flushed it down the toilet. i put on pajama pants and sat in my room. i can't believe i was that stupid to do it. everytime i glance down i have the urge to do it again. but i keep myself from doing it. my pants are stained and i put them in the dark corrners of my closet afraid someone will see. guess i'm not wearing shorts for awhile.
drop out
Today i realized something very important. something very life changing. all my friends are horny teenagers. excepte for Darry. he may possibly be a virgin. and Ponyboy. everyone knows hes a virgin.
I also droped out on friday. my dad gave me a good beating for it. got a nice new cut on my face. but I dont care. the way i see it, school is me sitting there staring at a blank peice of paper for an hour and not knowing whats going on, and then ditching the rest of the day. or just not going at all. I could just go get a job and that would be more like, i dont know.. effective? something along those lines. i just .. don't know where to work.
I have a feeling Dally and Blair are going to start fucking each other on a regular basis. seeing couples makes me want to cut myself. i see them all the time. i don't need to see more.
I also really hate ;) faces. their so annoying. i don't know why, they just bug me.
Carson
I also droped out on friday. my dad gave me a good beating for it. got a nice new cut on my face. but I dont care. the way i see it, school is me sitting there staring at a blank peice of paper for an hour and not knowing whats going on, and then ditching the rest of the day. or just not going at all. I could just go get a job and that would be more like, i dont know.. effective? something along those lines. i just .. don't know where to work.
I have a feeling Dally and Blair are going to start fucking each other on a regular basis. seeing couples makes me want to cut myself. i see them all the time. i don't need to see more.
I also really hate ;) faces. their so annoying. i don't know why, they just bug me.
Carson
monday's suck.
Schools boring and pointless. I think I'm going to drop out soon.
Sometimes, I wonder how Sodapop can love life as much as he does when we've got it so bad. I kinda admire him a bit i guess. he just always puts the bad shit aside and looks on the bright side. seriously, i dont know how he does it. everywhere i look theres just more crap and bad things. i just can't explain it.
I thought i'd give church a try. i went and sat in the back. that fuck'n preist made me want to rip my god damn eyes out. he was going on about how God loves us all and shit. if god loves us all why am i shit poor with a dick father and no mom? why did there Curtis' parents die? why does Johnny get stuck with fucked parents when he's undenibly sweet? or does god only love people with money? what a douche. i left when they started singing for the 50th time.
ps. sorry if I happen to have offended anyone.
I just looked across the room and saw Steve with his intestins wrapped around his throat hanging him from the ceiling. I'm trying to shake the image from my mind, and i think i keep hearing the front door creaking open when it isnt. the thoughts are usualy easier to ignor when i'm with someone, but i'm all alone as it is. which is bad because i keep dewelling on it and more thoughts come and kinda stick in my head. one time when i was all alone i kept seeing clowns in the mirrors and i went to my bed and hid under the blanket listening to music trying to get to sleep. I can't believe I'm actualy going to willingly post this.
I'm off.
Carson
Sometimes, I wonder how Sodapop can love life as much as he does when we've got it so bad. I kinda admire him a bit i guess. he just always puts the bad shit aside and looks on the bright side. seriously, i dont know how he does it. everywhere i look theres just more crap and bad things. i just can't explain it.
I thought i'd give church a try. i went and sat in the back. that fuck'n preist made me want to rip my god damn eyes out. he was going on about how God loves us all and shit. if god loves us all why am i shit poor with a dick father and no mom? why did there Curtis' parents die? why does Johnny get stuck with fucked parents when he's undenibly sweet? or does god only love people with money? what a douche. i left when they started singing for the 50th time.
ps. sorry if I happen to have offended anyone.
I just looked across the room and saw Steve with his intestins wrapped around his throat hanging him from the ceiling. I'm trying to shake the image from my mind, and i think i keep hearing the front door creaking open when it isnt. the thoughts are usualy easier to ignor when i'm with someone, but i'm all alone as it is. which is bad because i keep dewelling on it and more thoughts come and kinda stick in my head. one time when i was all alone i kept seeing clowns in the mirrors and i went to my bed and hid under the blanket listening to music trying to get to sleep. I can't believe I'm actualy going to willingly post this.
I'm off.
Carson
cheese whiz has latex acid.
The Stereo's are horrible and Slipknot scares the shit outta me.
I was having an oh so refreshing smoke by the DX when a sickly happy couple came along. it was oddly slow today. usualy theres a bunch of skanks hanging off Soda. it was just me, and the middle class couple. they made me think of one of those songs that are all sad and lovey dovey bull shit. they were hanging off each other like they'd die if they werent touching. anyway, the point of this is that they made me feel real lonely. i mean, i dont want to be like those discusting couple that shun everything out of their lives, but it would be nice to know someone is there that loves you. unforenatly no boy wants me. not that i'd be able to hold onto a boyfriend for at least a few weeks anyway, he'd start to bug me and i'd just dump him. mostly i want to get laid. and be loved.
I'm stuffed full of chocolate cake and booze. horary for fat lards.
um, i don't know. I'm going to hang out with Blair. maybe.
Carson
I was having an oh so refreshing smoke by the DX when a sickly happy couple came along. it was oddly slow today. usualy theres a bunch of skanks hanging off Soda. it was just me, and the middle class couple. they made me think of one of those songs that are all sad and lovey dovey bull shit. they were hanging off each other like they'd die if they werent touching. anyway, the point of this is that they made me feel real lonely. i mean, i dont want to be like those discusting couple that shun everything out of their lives, but it would be nice to know someone is there that loves you. unforenatly no boy wants me. not that i'd be able to hold onto a boyfriend for at least a few weeks anyway, he'd start to bug me and i'd just dump him. mostly i want to get laid. and be loved.
I'm stuffed full of chocolate cake and booze. horary for fat lards.
um, i don't know. I'm going to hang out with Blair. maybe.
Carson
intro
This is my blog sorta thing..
intros are so awkward.
I live with my brother Steve. He's like 17 or something. i can't be damned to keep count. My so called dad is rarely home, and when he is he's always yellin' at us. i hate that man, so me and Steve spend most of my time at Curtis' house. I love the guys, their like siblings to me. Excepte Darrel, he's more like a father. And when i say father, i mean 'did you do your homework' 'no drinking underage' blah blah blah. of course i lie to him. He's the father i never had. And Sodapop and Stevey are besties for life.
I'm not a real people person. and by that i mean everyone in the world who isn't my friend makes me want to rip out their juggular vein and disembowel them with a spoon. I esspecialy hate socs bitches. they are the worst. and those whoreish girls who wear 50 pounds of make up and too short skirts. I don't really know why, people just make me really mad.
it's 12 on a Friday night and i have nothing better to do then write a blog. fuck my life. im going over to the Curtis's and probably will end up sleeping on their couch.
ta ta
Carson
intros are so awkward.
I live with my brother Steve. He's like 17 or something. i can't be damned to keep count. My so called dad is rarely home, and when he is he's always yellin' at us. i hate that man, so me and Steve spend most of my time at Curtis' house. I love the guys, their like siblings to me. Excepte Darrel, he's more like a father. And when i say father, i mean 'did you do your homework' 'no drinking underage' blah blah blah. of course i lie to him. He's the father i never had. And Sodapop and Stevey are besties for life.
I'm not a real people person. and by that i mean everyone in the world who isn't my friend makes me want to rip out their juggular vein and disembowel them with a spoon. I esspecialy hate socs bitches. they are the worst. and those whoreish girls who wear 50 pounds of make up and too short skirts. I don't really know why, people just make me really mad.
it's 12 on a Friday night and i have nothing better to do then write a blog. fuck my life. im going over to the Curtis's and probably will end up sleeping on their couch.
ta ta
Carson
