Man, theres something wrong.

So, Soda got married. Yay, congrats buddy. :] It was a cute wedding, everything was in its place during the ceremony. Katie looked beautiful of course and Soda looked dashing. haha. Everyone looked great. The cake was delious. Blah blah blah. Just read everyone else's posts about it because I don't like repeting what EVERYONE has already said. :]

Caution: This post is completely retarded and I suggest not reading if you don't want to get annoyed :]
Lately I've been feeling under the weather. Whatever that means. I mean, I'm under the weather every single second of my life, arent I? Has anyone ever been ontop of the weather? No. Not unless their in an airplane. Yea.. whatever.. onto other things..

Travis is the greeeatest. But 3 days after returning home from Cali, Travis had to go back. His brother has a band and they were doing a tour thing or whatever.. The point is he's gone. Approximatly 1280 miles away. Well, from Tulsa to L.A. Whatever. He's still gone.

I'm losing sleep because of him. I stay up late talking to him, and then when I go to bed I have nightmares of him. The first thing I see when I close my eyes is his beautiful face. I automaticly wake up in the middle of the night to check my phone to see if he messaged me. It's pathedic really. I'm scared of losing him I guess. I don't know how to explain anything. The way he is, makes me so mad. Like his personality. But I don't think I could ever yell at him for being him. Or you know.. I don't know. Uhg. He's such a goddamn flirt and sometimes can be an ass. But he's got a great sence of humor and he's sweet. I hate it all. I hate that he makes me feel this way. He doesn't do that cute make me feel special thing that other girls talk about. I feel stupid liking him. Because it's all stupid. We're young. Its not gonna last forever like I want it to. Its unforenate but true, I love hating him but hate loving him. If that makes much sence. Sigh. One day I told him I wanted to hate him or something. And he didn't understand what the hell was going on. It was weird and then he got mad at me.. But later I told him it was hopeless. Sigh. Again. I'd say more. But I don't think I have the energy to do so.

I'm actualy physicaly sick. Im not sure if its because of him. It must be the lack of sleep caused by him. I've had constent headaches and stomach pains. And I've thrown up and had sore throats. I never get sick like this. Usually its just a stuffy nose and a small hammer pounding at the back of my head for 24 hours and my sickness is gone. My vision blurs when I get a headache and its really weird.

My heads still pounding. I went and took a 6 hour nap and came back to read this fruity shit. I talked to a good friend and she says that it sounds like I love him but I don't want to. I refuse to love him. I hate him most of the time and then I talk to him and get stupid.

I can't really get my thoughts straight right now. Earlier my head hurt so bad that I couldn't keep it up straight without feeling that my brain was growing and growing until it explodes. It hurt so bad that after 30 seconds of keeping it up right I'd crumble to the ground and scream. I had to lay down for 2 hours. I almost cried a few times but managed to stop myself. I locked myself away so no one would see me like that. It was hell. I never felt that kinda pain. I was so helpless. Shit I hate this. He's putting me through hell and doesn't even know.

I've been having lots of dreams of Travis to.. I wake up in the middle of the night crying, or sweating. I don't really get the sweating part. I never really sweat when I sleep because I kick the blankets off when its too hot. But I put on the a/c and I'm not useing any blankets and I'm still sweating.. It's kinda gross and weird. The crying part is easyer to explain. It's usualy all happy and junk with Travis, then something happens and I'm left alone, in the cold. Sigh.

I think I'm just scared. Do I talk too much? I'm probably not as annoyed as you are by this point but I'm still pretty annoyed at the retardedness of this post. The point is, I don't love him, and he makes me feel like shit. Sigh. Ever since Seth, well actualy even before him, I've wished on 11:11 and eye lashes and all that pointless nonsence. I always wish the same thing; someone for me to 'love'. Uhg. And then I got Seth and this. Uhg. Before the end with Seth, thats the kinda shit I wanted. But aparently that was fake. And now this shit with Travis.. I don't know. I need to go lay down for a little while and blast my music. Get lost in the world of dreams and maybe eat a brownie. Sigh. I keep forgeting what I'm talking about so I'm gonna stop now.

Carson.