guilt

Ok, so first off I've desided I'm coming home for the wedding, and to help with Blair's baby's nursery. Then once Blair's due date comes up, I'm going to be home. I don't care if I ain't a real blood-reletive, I'm going to be there for every step of this baby's life.

I called home today. I wanted to talk to Steve. I'm always making fun of him but, he's my big bro, I love him more then anyone else can, and I hate him just as much.
Anyway, dad answered. Which is surpizing, since he either turns the volume off or yells at us to answer it. He sounded a tad excited when he said hello, I figure he was on a good buzz or something. "where's Steve?" I asked, not trying to hide my annoyence with my fathers existence. "Steve ain't here." he sounded sad, I don't know why. He was the one who probably screamed at Steve to get out. I said "see ya" and was just about to hang up, when my dad pleaded, acctually pleaded for me to not hang up. So I listened to what he had to say. He kept going on about how he fucked up raising us (you got that right.) and how much he really cares about us. I asked him why he treats us like shit, and he said I look just like my mom did, and he sees too much of himself in Steve. I don't believe the Steve bit. Steve isn't a drunken douche, Steve's..Steve?
Well I've never seen a picture of my mother, or rememeber her. I asked my dad what really happened to her. She apparently died giving birth to me. No wonder my dad seems to hate me most days, huh? He was explaining her to me, beautiful and carring. She was loyal, accepting, non-judmental. I really wish I could've met her. Dad said she was soft and sweet, but if you messed with someone she loved, she'd beat your ass down. She apparently loved Halloween to. Like me, she always had to decorate the house perfectly. Too scarey for little kids to even come within 3 houses of it. But once she had Steve, she toned it down to a fun acid trip and a half. Like Alice in Wonderland.
Her and dad were so in love, he tells me. She sounds so wonderful. Her, dad and Steve was the perfect family. I assume they were like the Curtis's before their parents died. I feel like it's my fault Steve has a horrible home life. If he knew he'd probably hate me. It's my fault our family is shit. It's my fault my mother's dead.
I hung up after using 5 quarters on the payphone, telling dad I didn't have any left. But I did. I can't bare to talk to him knowing I killed the love of his life. I haven't cried like this since I was 4. Maybe younger. I don't desever to live right now. My life killed my mother's. She should be alive, not me.

I don't really want to come back. To see Steve and my dad. And I'm starting to feel like I ditched ya'll. Since everyone started going through drama when I left. Do I deserve you guys? Probably not. And with what Blair's saying that I'll just leave again is making my crying worse. Seth is trying to cheer me up but it's not working.
Carson