Confessions of a Broken Heart

Fighting doesn't solve shit. The old me would've went and killed those sons of bitches. Now, fighting, causing someone pain, being supirior to them.. doesn't appeal to me like it use to. It wont get me a better home, better lives for my friends and family. Fighting wont keep douche guys from breaking my friends hearts. It wont make my dad sober and love me and Steve. It'll only get us jailed and hospitalized and killed.
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I said, Hey babe lets go for a walk.
It was dark out. Just nearly 11:30, so kinda early. We walked around downtown, just talking.

There was this gang. About 5 big guys. They started sayin' shit to me and Travis got all mad. He picked a fight, I fought to. They had switches, they pulled one on Travis. Neither of us had weapons. It was a dumbass move. Anyway, they were fightin' and I was tryin' to get the blade away from that one guy and then the air is filled with the sound of a gunshot.

Everyone went still. There was this one thud. My heart sank. I knew who it hit before I saw. The gang ran off. I rushed to Travis. He was just laying there. In his own puddle of blood that got bigger and bigger as the minutes ticked by. I fell to my knees and pulled him into my arms. His body was weak, but his eyes still flashed up to my face. Under his clothes, I felt his muscles, they were very tense and working hard to keep him up. Tears were streaming down my face. My gut told me this was it. It was his time. I fucking hated that feeling. I was helpless and couldn't end his suffering myself.

His eyes began to fade. His body got weaker and weaker. Then limp. His head fell back and the blood just kept ozing from his body. It was weird. Just holding him. I couldn't let go, I didn't want to. But holding him like that... To be holding something that was once so alive, that I've held many times, and has always been alert. Even when asleep, never this limp. He was just... gone. He didn't look asleep. He didn't look peaceful. His dead eyes were open and staring off while his mouth hung open slightly.

The cops eventually came. I couldn't talk to them. Just wrote down his parents phone number. I didn't know what I was gonna do. But I was taken home once his parents got there. I mean, home as in his place. They respected me and aloud me to just go to bed, in the morning I told them what happened.

I used to think I had it all together. I only could cry at night but no one saw me or heard so I was safe. During the daylight hours I'd be happy and fine. I used to think that, until Travis's mom gave me that hug. I don't tend to like hugs because they mean either goodbye or that something really bad had happened. When she hugged me, I broke. I fell right apart in her arms. I cried so hard I gave myself a migrain. I never felt like that before.

It doesn't even feel like he's gone. But at the same time it does. It hasn't been that long, but it feels like forever. When I close my eyes all I see is his dead body. It's so fucking clear. I try to think back on times when he was smiling, laughing, telling me his thoughts while he stared off into space.. it's hard though. I cry most of the time when I think about it. And he's pretty near the only thing I'm thinking of lately. It's barely been 3 months. Which isn't that long. But I really did love him. I could see us together until we were old and grey, shaking our fists at little kids screaming "YOU ROTTEN KIDS!". We were never going to get married, but we were going to get celtic tattoo rings to bind us together forever.

It was a terrible mothers day for his family. I can't imagine what his mom had to go through. I don't want to either.

I don't want any of that "ohmyshit I'm so sorry" crap. Because none of you did anything. It was that gang. But I don't know when I'll be home, or if I will come back. I'm sorry. I'm sorry all of you, but I don't know what to do. I need to clear my head. I love you all.

Carson, R.I.P. Travis.