home

I'm home now. Not for good, but I'm home. Seth's parents were pissssed when he got home, so he's grounded for a week or two. Which doesn't make sence since he would probably be driven to leave again. Whatever. I'm at my house, dad's drunk, same ol' same ol'. He looked a bit happy to see me when I walked in, but he was also reading PlayBoy. I saw Stevealious and got a big hug from him. And my Elmo! Blair gave it back because I'm home now. And Kitty, I'll give you your heels tomorrow.
The train ride home was boring. It was full of old people who gave me and Seth death looks when we kissed, so.. we didn't.. much. Old people can be scarey.
There isn't much to say really, but I drew some pictures of the gang on the train. (below)
This is also my thrid day in a row posting. I obviously have no life.

Guess who's who! :D

the one with the wavy-ish hair is thinking "andrew"
I just gave that one away.

dreams

You don't need to read this if you don't want to, but I feel like I should write this down incase I forget. It's kinda long but go ahead if you want to read it. It doesn't really have anything to do with anything. Oh, I almost forgot. Me and Seth are getting a train ride home tomorrow or something. I get relessed from the prison of meds and bad food tomorrow morning. Yay.


While I was in a coma for that week or so, I can remember bits of dreams I had. I don't know if their exactly dreams, but my mind was somewhere off that I can remember little strands of things that I know didn't happen.

I dreamt of Blair's baby. We were in a hospital room. All us girls, the boys (excepte Dally, he was there with us.) were outside waiting. Blair had just finished screaming, crying, and breaking both mine and Dally's hands. She refused meds, she wanted a natural birth. The baby was in the hands of the doctors, being cleaned off and stuff. He was crying. I've never really liked babies, but Riley Blaze was an exception. I was so glad he'd make it. Well, he's a Winston, so obviously he's a tough kid from the start of his existence. Anyway, when he was handed to Blair he was wrapped in a little blue blanket. He stopped crying after she said "hey baby" in the softest voice I've ever heard her use. He opened his big blue-greyish eyes and looked up at her. He had a few strands of white-blonde hair. He was the most beautiful, pureest little 5 pounds and 11 ounces of life I've seen. After a minute Blair handed him to Dally. Which was kinda funy because a nurse had to show him how to hold little Riley Blaze properly. Total Kodak moment, Dallas Winston holding his son for the first time and not knowing what to do. But the look Dally had.. Never saw it before. He smiled. After that I got to hold him. I reached out and saw the dimond ring from the New York jewary store on my left hand. I touched his soft little hand and...
That's where that dream ended. It was the most clearest of my dreams. I can't wait to be an aunt.

Pony and Cherry. But also Pony and Kristi..It was either one or the other, or both of them. Holding hands. Cherry/Kristi wearing all white. Pony in a tux. Lots of flowers. The only people around were close family and friends. Lots of tension. Suddenly lots of blood. Screaming. Touching something wet, warm and sticky..Ended. That one was weird. I think Ponyboy and Cherry/Kristi were getting married and someone murdered Cherry/Kristi. Amusing.. but kinda creepy. This one wasn't very clear at all. Everyhthing was a blur.

Dark. It smelt like dead rats and a garbage dump. Not a lot of space. Walls getting closer. Suffacating. Dying. I'm dying. Then theres light. It smells like burning birthday candels and cinnamon. (my favorite scents) I can feel warm sun on my skin like in the middle of the summer. More light. I can breath better. I can hear the laughter of my friends and brother. Happy and carefree. Then I see them all, smileing. I smile, Steve takes my hand to help me up..

There were so many more, but some weren't for anyone elses thoughts but my own (:P) and otheres were too long. So I just wrote down my favorites. (yes Cherry and Kristi being murdered is one of my favorites, no offence Pony :P)

Off to eat a little bit.
Carson

awake

The ceiling was white. The first thing I saw. White. Everything was silent for a moment. But that moment felt so long. It could've been hours for all I know. As my vision became less burly, I realized there were sounds. Lots of sounds. At first my mind couldn't figure out what it was. But then it became clearer. Beeping. Soft and loud footsteps. Voices. Some close, some far. Some were familiar, but others I had no idea. My head was throbbing pretty bad too. I could hear my heartbeat. The beeping matched it. It took a while for me to figure out what these things where, but I did it.
I was laying down on something soft, yet uncomterble. You guessed it, hospital bed. There was something stuck up my nose; breathing tubes.
After laying there for a while I heard a mumble. I think it said my name. But I couldn't really be sure because, to be honest, I couldn't remember my name at that point. But it sounded familiar. Something inside me ached for the mumble to come back, but all I got was a snort-ish sound, or a snore. I can't remember.
I looked away from the white ceiling. And there was.. a very dull hospital room. Things where making more sence. But I still can't remember what happened. The mumble came back. But this time it was louder and more clear. A voice. A familiar voice. "-----------you-----? can-------?"
That's all I remember the voice saying. Or that's all I got from it. I really don't know. I'm so confused right now. All I remember is those two words, and it was high pitched. Definatly a girl.

Everything after that is blank.

Then I saw the white ceiling again. Things made more sence this time around. Seth was mumbling by my bed, holding my hand. It took a moment, and I had some serious pins and needles, but I finaly managed to hold his hand. He looked at me then. He looked so hopeful. And sleepy. He needed to shave, to. How long has it been?
"hey" I forced myself to say. My voice sounded dry and weak. He smiled. Dispite how crappy he looked right then, it was beautiful. I felt myself smile back. He looked so happy.
The rest of the gang was there to, surpizingly. That bit was confusing. I put aside all questions and just went along with their happiness. My chest really hurts. So I just layed down the whole time. Excepte when I had to hug people. They wouldn't stop with the hugs! I love hugs and all, but seriously guys!
Blair was the one who I wanted hugs from the most though. I know she was pissed about me leaving because we had so many plans of seeing the world, doing all these things together. I feel bad, but when I saw her face to see me awake it felt so good. I knew she was cool with it for that moment. When I held out my arms for a hug, she accepted without hesitation. I whispered "I missed you and love you, you know that right?" and she smiled ever so slightly and said "I'm going to kill you if you scare me like that again, you know that right?" I laughed slightly and nodded. No one heard our little conversation but us.

I had to talk to the doc to. He said I need to stay for another night. But all I really care about right now is not eatting weird hospital food. I can't wait to get out, but I also want to stay. It's nice for once that everyone cared about my well-being. Weird, but nice. Nice weird :)
My fingers are numb and it's acctually taking me a very long time to write this. But I like writing things down, it helps me make more sence of what I'm thinking. Everyone's eatting or sleeping, I guess they had a long trip. Haha it's kinda funny seeing everyone curled up in plastic chairs together, or sitting on the floor stuffing down nasty food (Two-bit.)

Anyway, thanks for being there everyone :) I'm going to take a nap because I'm so tired.
love you all,
Carson

seth again

She's getting worse. I've gotten some sleep though, but pretty much only 'cause the doc gave me some meds. He says I needta get it together or else I'll be hospitalized soon. We're in Salem, Massachusetts (I think that's spelled right) if anyone wants to know. I don't know what to do man..

i don't even know

Hey guys. It's Seth just to let ya'll know. Car leaves her username and password on my laptop because she's too lazy to type it in everyday, so that's how I'm writing this. I'm on here because Carson's in a coma. I wasn't gonna leave her the other night, but we really needed food and she hasn't been eatting much lately. (it was the day she found out about her mom) When I came back, she was tottally wasted. She said ever since she heard about Pony she wouldn't drink a drop of alcohol, and got rid of any trace we had (which was only a bottle of beer). I still don't know where she got all that booze, but I don't think I should worry about that too much right now.
Anyway, when I walked in she was rambling on and on about how no one gives a shit about her, that she ruined her brother's and father's lives and all that junk. She was also crying and screaming and throwing shit all over the place. I've never seen her act like that, I was so scared man. I tried to hold her down, but she punched me awful hard in the chest and left a bruise. I stumbled back and she grabbed a knife and I yelled at her to stop and tried to get it from her, but she stabbed herself in the chest.
Doc said she missed her heart, but pierced her left lung and lost a lot of blood. They patched her up real good but she's still out. I'm so worried man. I haven't slept at all. Carson might wake up again. Oh yea, I didn't mention she woke up at one point. It was only for 5 minutes and she didn't say anything, but her eyes where open and she was looking at me. Doctor says she probably won't make it, but she's a tough girl, she's just gotta wake up.. right?

guilt

Ok, so first off I've desided I'm coming home for the wedding, and to help with Blair's baby's nursery. Then once Blair's due date comes up, I'm going to be home. I don't care if I ain't a real blood-reletive, I'm going to be there for every step of this baby's life.

I called home today. I wanted to talk to Steve. I'm always making fun of him but, he's my big bro, I love him more then anyone else can, and I hate him just as much.
Anyway, dad answered. Which is surpizing, since he either turns the volume off or yells at us to answer it. He sounded a tad excited when he said hello, I figure he was on a good buzz or something. "where's Steve?" I asked, not trying to hide my annoyence with my fathers existence. "Steve ain't here." he sounded sad, I don't know why. He was the one who probably screamed at Steve to get out. I said "see ya" and was just about to hang up, when my dad pleaded, acctually pleaded for me to not hang up. So I listened to what he had to say. He kept going on about how he fucked up raising us (you got that right.) and how much he really cares about us. I asked him why he treats us like shit, and he said I look just like my mom did, and he sees too much of himself in Steve. I don't believe the Steve bit. Steve isn't a drunken douche, Steve's..Steve?
Well I've never seen a picture of my mother, or rememeber her. I asked my dad what really happened to her. She apparently died giving birth to me. No wonder my dad seems to hate me most days, huh? He was explaining her to me, beautiful and carring. She was loyal, accepting, non-judmental. I really wish I could've met her. Dad said she was soft and sweet, but if you messed with someone she loved, she'd beat your ass down. She apparently loved Halloween to. Like me, she always had to decorate the house perfectly. Too scarey for little kids to even come within 3 houses of it. But once she had Steve, she toned it down to a fun acid trip and a half. Like Alice in Wonderland.
Her and dad were so in love, he tells me. She sounds so wonderful. Her, dad and Steve was the perfect family. I assume they were like the Curtis's before their parents died. I feel like it's my fault Steve has a horrible home life. If he knew he'd probably hate me. It's my fault our family is shit. It's my fault my mother's dead.
I hung up after using 5 quarters on the payphone, telling dad I didn't have any left. But I did. I can't bare to talk to him knowing I killed the love of his life. I haven't cried like this since I was 4. Maybe younger. I don't desever to live right now. My life killed my mother's. She should be alive, not me.

I don't really want to come back. To see Steve and my dad. And I'm starting to feel like I ditched ya'll. Since everyone started going through drama when I left. Do I deserve you guys? Probably not. And with what Blair's saying that I'll just leave again is making my crying worse. Seth is trying to cheer me up but it's not working.
Carson

happiness

It's weird. I'm not afraid. I thought I would be, not seeing the gang everyday, not being comferted by normal life. The only thing I'm afraid of is Pony's problem with Sherri, and.. well not really anything. Pretty just what the gang's going through in their lives.
But now I don't need to worry about the Socs when I walk alone. Not my father when I'm home late or when he's drunk. I should be afraid of other gangs, being mugged, sleeping in dark alleys, or being found by the cops and sent home or put in a orphanage somewhere. But I'm not scared. I'm happy. Waking up full of adrenaline, excited of what I'm going to see that day.
Seth says he can see a little more life in me everyday. We've also become a lot closer. I don't want to come home. But I know I will eventually. Just not yet. I'm going to live a little more. I'll come back for Soda's wedding, to help Blair with her baby's nursery, and whenever the gang needs me, like absolutly needs me.

I can't picture my life without Seth anymore. I'm going to marry that boy some day. I love him so much, and he loves me. He acctually took me into one of New York's most expencive jewlary stores, pointed out the most beautiful ring I've ever seen, and told me he'd put it on my finger one day. I asked him how he knew that would be the one I liked best, he simply shruged and said "I just did".
He makes me so happy. I don't think I've been this happy, ever, in my life. Sure, those sleepovers with Blair when we were 8 and laughed uncontroably about nothing in general where some of the best moments in my life, but nothing amounts to the happiness I've been feeling lately. Like Seth put it, I'm alive a little more everyday. This trip away from home is exactly what I need.

Carson

bill nye the science guy

Wow. You guys don't even know my dissapointment with the world right now. I've just learned that Bill Nye the Science Guy is an actor. Not a science guy. I'm so depressed now. Like, I've completely died on the inside.
I just wanted to share that with you. Nothing special has really happened compared to that.

Carson

the bus station

We're in a train station. Seth's gone to get the tickets. We bummed some cash on the streets yesterday. I mean, we brought money with us, but we don't want to spend to much of it at once incase we can't get any from anyone. I didn't eat much today, or yesterday. It's snowing and it's really cold. We couldn't find a laundry mat so our clothes look really shitty. We both brought 3 pairs of jeans, 5 shirts and a jacket. I left everything else at home because I don't want to be weighed down. The only thing besides clothes and cash Seth brought was this laptop. He wanted to make sure his parents didn't think he hated them or that he's dead.

It's so exciting. Not knowing where we're going to be sleeping next, if we'll be on the streets or in a heated room. I've slept on the streets once or twice before, but Seth hasn't. He's always known where he'd be sleeping at night, and that he'd have food in the morning. In a way I have to, either home, Blair's, or the Curtis's. I just didn't know which one. Now all I know is that I'll be with Seth.


I don't know where we're going. Seth doesn't either. He's going to get the cheapest tickets for today. Hopefully somewhere warmer. California would be fun, but that's to far away. Maybe New Jersey or wherever that show about cakes is filmed. I really want a cupcake. And a smoke. Haven't had one since we left home. It's about the only thing I'm unhappy with right now.
Also today I meet a hobo named Steven. He's maybe mid 30's with thick, dark, curly hair. He also was wearing a jeans jacket and Chucks. My future brother everyone :]


Seth's back and wants to e-mail his parents. I miss you guys
Carson

dirty motels

I'm in Portland, Maine. Don't ask me how I got here, or why I'm here. I'm just here, in a shitty motel. It's really cold, and the heating in here doesn't work. But I have some blankets and a coat so I'll be fine.
I won't be getting home any time soon. I won't have much more internet access after tonight.
I'd just like to say congrats Darry, you deserve getting into college. Sorry I can't come to your party.

Carson

boom, boom, boom. i want ya in my room

I'm chillin' at Blair's aunts for the night. Thought I'd give Seth a break of seeing my face.
We're currently watching the Shinning by Steven King. Blair's sending shivers up my spin from saying red rum way to well. And the opening credits. Creepy shit man. Creepy shit.

Blair just said I'm ditching Seth to be the baby daddy. She said it like that fucking little boy. I should've never showed her this movie. Fuck. Oh well it's better then "IM GONNA FUCKING SCREW AROUND WITH WHOEVER THE FUCK I WANT WHENEVER I WANT BECAUSE IM A SINGLE BITCH!! AND FUCK FACE CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT."

Blair's making fun of me because I accidentaly let it slip that I think Tom Cruise is hot.
....................................................................................................................................................................

I'm kinda pissed about Johnny leaving. Jamie and Brooke wanting to leave. Dally being a douche. Kristi being a little skank. The only people I'm happy at right now are Seth, Darry, KittyKat, Soda and Katie, Two-bit and maybe Steve. Probably not because he's Steve.
I really wanted to post but now I don't know why because i don't know what to say. Mostly that I'm peed at life a tad bit right now. And now Seth's going off to check out collages and shit. Well, in March.

La la la, Seth Seth Seth. He is my sunshine, my only sunshine. He makes me happy when skies are gray. You'll never know dear, how much I love him. Please don't take my sunshine away. :D .. :( Blair hit me.
Blair says I'm a pantsy ass lovey dovey idiot. And should become a bitter man hating women, like herself. But I don't feel like being a butch lesbian right now. Maybe later.
So the other night we were hanging out in his room and it started getting all steamy and such. I've already told him once that I love him and he said he loves me too. We've only said it that one time to each other. But that night he said it again. It makes me feel awfuly good. Anyway, what I was getting at was it late and no one was home. And.. I don't know how to word it.. soo.. We had sex. My first time. Horay. I feel like a prude because even Pony wan't a virgin before me. Oh well. It wasn't perfect, but I'm glad he was my first. I'm not going to be dalousional and say I'm gonna be with him forever and have his babies. Don't get me wrong, I'd quiet enjoy being with Seth forever, but that ain't gonna happen. I'm not a dumb bitch.

I'm buying Blair's kid a pimped out big wheel. Because they are the shit. and if it's a girl I think we're naming it Larkin and not Addison (sorry Jamie).
haha the mom in this movie sounds like Mickey Mouse.
If it's a boy I want to name it Jayden or Brayden. ok never mind that sounds like two annoying preppy soc twins.
Blair's yelling at me in her creepy voice to get off because she wants to make cookies. Or sandwiches. One of the two.
Carson